Michael Phelps Available to Women for Only $100,000 a Night


Gere: 'Cheaper'
Semi-successful swimmer Michael Phelps has been paid $100,000 for a night of his company.
Details of the indecent proposal were published in respected academic periodical The New York Post but have not yet attracted comment from either Phelps or his representatives.
It was reported that Phelps' services were paid for by the husband of the woman in question, a Los Angeles TV network chief. Such an arrangement is particularly unusual in such circumstances, leading to speculation that the man must be 'very understanding'.
Since winning an acceptable number of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics the American has been romantically linked with a string of women including Nicole Johnson, Stephanie Rice, Amanda Beard and Lily Donaldson, though it is unclear just how much he charged each of them, if anything.

UptheBeavers Launches Concerted Attack on Andrew Sachs


Sachs: 'Twat'
UptheBeavers has produced an extensive dossier of insults aimed at actor Andrew Sachs as part of ongoing attempts to secure funding to overcome a temporary financial shortfall.
It is hoped that the site will be able to gain a significant cash injection by following in the footsteps of floppy-haired broadcaster Jonathan Ross and registered sex addict Russell Brand, both of whom have been paid many millions for similar efforts in previous weeks.
'All we have to fear is fear itself - and a sustained attack from the Mail on Sunday. What could possibly go wrong?' said editor Ivor Skrewkyk at the press launch of the dossier.
Sachs, the 'short-arsed', 'big-eared', 'old fart' Spaniard was unavailable for comment.

Nationals Produce Yet Another Fine Display from Copthall


Ladies: Wot Lunch

Barnet Copthall repeated their nationals success from earlier in the year by winning 28 medals at the ASA National Masters and Senior Age Group Championships in Sheffield.
As in Manchester, John 'Dick Van Dyke' Rittenhouse was a star of the show setting a new European record in the 200m backstroke. Chairman Mark Reynolds continued his dominance of freestyle events by setting three new British records in the 50m, 100m and 200m freestyle. Georgie Hamilton picked up four individual golds with Duncan Hartley adding a further three. Emma Harvey, Christine Porter and Jeanette Benn completed the list of individual champions for Copthall with the men's 160-199 years freestyle team and the elite LWL Squad winning more gold in the relays. The final team medal total was 14 gold, eight silver and eight bronze.
‘Eee by gum, I were right excited by my swim in tut backstroke! Ilkley Moor bar t'at.’ said Rittenhouse.

Foster Voted Off Strictly After 'Painful Shambles'


Foster: 'Not a natural dancer'
Mark Foster has become the sixth contestant to leave the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing.
Foster, 181, and his New Zealander partner Hayley Holt faced former tennis player Andrew 'GMTV' Castle and Ola Jordan in the all important final dance-off after having avoided elimination the previous week in what were reported to be controversial circumstances.
However, despite a determination to show off his chest, the oft-retired former occasional swimmer's Paso Doble did not win over the show's judges and he scored only 16 out of 40.
To a universal lack of surprise, judge Len Goodman said 'the trouble is you’re not a natural dancer . . . you’re no good at dancing', Bruno Toniolli described it as a 'painful shambles' and Craig Revel Horwood added 'It was a little bit like a stick insect on acid and at times rather grotesque I’m afraid'.
Foster's elimination from the competition means he can now return to full training for the 2012 London Olympics.

IOC Is Taking the Piss Again To Stamp Out Cheating


Urine Trouble

The International Olympic Committee to retest samples that were taken from competitors during the Beijing Olympics in a renewed effort to stamp out the spectre of drugs cheats.
The analysis will make use of a recently developed test for continuous erythropoietin receptor activators, marketed under the brand name Mircera. This newly identified performance enhancer is said to increase the amount of blood carried in oxygen, providing an increase in stamina. Mircera is reported to be an improved version of EPO, most famous for their hits Mr Blue Sky and Sweet Talking Woman in the late 1970s and extremely popular with, amongst others, competitors in the Tour de France and Chinese swimmers.

UptheBeavers Laughs Off Credit Crunch Fears

Credit: Where credit's due
The global credit crisis may have brought about the economic destruction of the developed world, but UptheBeavers has publicly confirmed that its finances are all very much in order.
Some analysts had suggested that a chronic cash flow problem was responsible for months of infrequent updates, a poor level of service and a noticeable shortage of new jokes.
However editor Ivor Skrewkyk confirmed that the site's finances are in the rudest of health. Unlike the London Borough of Barnet, which is reported to have £27 million invested in Icelandic banks, UptheBeavers deposited its considerable cash reserves into various Nigerian investment schemes after being lucky enough to receive an email a number of years ago from a senior Nigerian banker and former government official who was happy to urgently help.

Foster Hits the Dancefloor for his Next Challenge


Foster: Dancing King

Looking to put the recent disappointment of the Olympics behind him, occasional swimmer Mark Foster has been chosen to compete in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Foster, 172, will be partnered with professional dancer Hayley Holt from New Zealand, appearing on the British show for the first time. The 28 year-old Kiwi, voted Sexiest Woman in New Zealand in 2007, has experience of partnering swimmers after previously competing with Danyon Loader on the show in her own country. Loader and Foster are thought to be similar in many respects, except that the New Zealander won two Olympic gold medals.
Standing between Foster and success on the show are a variety of celebrities including celebrity chef Gary Rhodes, celebrity model Jodie Kidd, celebrity cockney Phil Daniels, celebrity hair grower Austin Healy, celebrity stomach massager Gillian Taylforth, celebrity circus dwarf Rachel Stevens and Tom Chambers.

FINA Calls for Investigation into Age of Masters Swimmers

Chinese: Under investigation
Widespread controversy over the age of Chinese gymnasts at the Olympic Games has forced FINA to announce that the age masters swimmers will be more closely examined.
In all future masters competitions the age of swimmers will be closely scrutinised to ensure that nobody competing is older, or indeed younger, than they have claimed to be. According to official sources, the problem is thought to be most acute amongst those competitors who have mysteriously claimed to be aged 29, 39, 49 or 59 for a number of consecutive years.
Responding to the news Barnet Copthall’s Master of Ceremonies Ian ‘Wellard’ Woollard categorically confirmed that, despite the new regulations, he ‘couldn’t be bothered’ to independently research the age of all competitors at the upcoming Barnet Copthall Masters Sprint Meet.

British Swimmers Triumph as Open Water Arrives at Olympics


Open Water: Dark, lonely

Three British swimmers have overcome The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water™ to just miss out on winning gold in the inaugural open water events at the Beijing Olympics Games.
First up in the women's 10km event were Keri-Anne Payne and Cassie Patten who lead for most of the race but were overtaken in the final stages by rushing Russian Larisa Ilchenko. The two Brits managed to hang on to silver and bronze despite claims of 'foot grabbing'.
The following day Welsh distance specialist David 'Windsor' Davies won another silver for Britain in the men's 10km. Davies, who finished sixth in the 1500m earlier in the games, swam off course at the end of his race, allowing Maarten van der Weijden to finish in front.

Arise Dame Becky After Two Golds at the Same Olympics

Dame: There is nothing like
Becky Adlington has become the most successful British swimmer in over 100 years after winning two gold medals and setting a new world record at the Olympic Games in Beijing.
The 19 year-old is thought to have had to momentarily forget she was British in order to achieve her first gold after a storming finish in the 400m freestyle, the first by a British woman since Anita Lonsbrough in 1812. This was then followed by another first place and a world record in the 800m. Her time of 8:14.10 was some way ahead of her nearest rival and eclipsed Janet Evans' mark, the longest standing record in world swimming, set in 1989.
Following the in the footsteps of Dame Kelly Holmes, Adlington can now surely expect to also be awarded a DBE by the Queen after matching Dame Kelly by winning two gold medals in the same Olympics.
It is also hoped that the stunning performance will be enough to overcome a long-standing anti-swimmer bias and secure Adlington BBC Sports Personality of the Year come the awards in December.

Foster Surges to 23rd Place in his Penultimate Olympics


Foster: Stunning

Mark Foster stormed to a brilliant 23rd place in the 50m freestyle at the Beijing Olympics.
Foster, 164, was competing in his 18th Olympics and had been hoping for great things in his penultimate games before retirement at the 2012 London Olympics. He did not disappoint, tying for 23rd with legendary Algerian swimmer Salim Iles in a time of 22.35 seconds. The Britain was only 0.39 seconds slower than the new British record he set earlier in the year.
The former Barnet Copthall sprinter was only just touched out by eventual winner Brazilian Cesar Cielo Fiho, former world record holder Alain Bernard from France, current world record holder Eamon Sullivan from Australia, world champion Ben Wildman-Tobriner from the US, Flori Lang from Switzerland, David Dunn from Kenya, Jernej Godec from Slovenia and one or two others.

Phelps Swims Adequately to Win Eight Golds in Beijing


Phelps: Did okay
Michael Phelps performed adequately at the Beijing Olympics, putting in a workman-like performance to win a satisfactory eight gold medals, one for every one of his eight events.
Generally the American swam at an acceptable level in the 400m individual medley, 200m freestyle, 200m butterfly, 4 x 100m freestyle relay, 4 x 200m freestyle relay, 200m individual medley and 4 x 100m medley relay - setting new world records in each event.
However, the 23 year-old swam well below par in the 100m butterfly, only managing to set a new Olympic record and barely beating Serbia's Milorad Cavic into second in the process.
Further doubts were raised when it emerged that Phelps only swam one leg of each relay.
Despite this, it is hoped that the passable performance will be enough to overcome a long-standing anti-swimmer bias and secure Phelps BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year come the awards in December.

Torres Becomes Honorary Brit After Narrow Loss To German


Losing to Germany: Miserable

Dara Torres has been awarded honorary British citizenship after a narrow loss to Germany.
Queen of Masters Swimmers™ Torres, unbelievably 41, lost out to German Britta Steffen by just one hundredth of a second in the final of the 50m freestyle at the Beijing Olympics.
Steffen set a new Olympic record on her way to victory, adding to the gold she won in the 100m freestyle earlier in the week. Australian Whippersnapper Cate Campbell, 16, finished in third place ahead of compatriot and world record holder, Libby Trickettenton in fourth.
Torres, who set the 50m freestyle world record back in 1983, can console herself with the two further silver medals she won in the 4 x 100m freestyle and 4 x 100m medley relays.
A spokesperson for the Home Office said 'Losing narrowly to Germany in sporting competitions is as British as wet summers, roast beef and winning gold in the coxless fours. We are happy to award Ms. Torres this great honour.'