Christmas Awards Dinner Celebrates Success and Excess

Casey, Reynolds, Ball: Win
Much like unwanted presents and the discovery of painful family secrets, the Annual Christmas Dinner and Awards Ceremony has become an important part of the holiday season for many at Barnet Copthall Masters.
This year's event saw Mark 'Butch' Reynolds crowned Male Competitor of the Year, Jayne 'Golden' Ball picked up Female Competitor of the Year and Janet 'Awaiting Nickname' Casey won the award for most improved swimmer.
The almost prestigious Top Beaver was won this year by Jeanette Squires.
Foster Leads Global Protest Against Long Course Events

Foster: Protests
World and European Short Course Swimming Champion Mark Foster has announced that he plans to protest against the widespread domination of 50m pools in many international swimming events.
In a prepared statement the Bath swimmer said that the continued monopoly of 50m pools over such events as the Olympics was anti-competitive and constituted, amongst other things, a serious infringement of human rights.
It is widely thought that other swimmers, including the recently retired James Hickman, may also lend their support to the campaign.
Fate of 2005 World Championships Hangs in the Balance

Montreal: Mounting Concern
Officials responsible for hosting the 2005 World Aquatic Championships in Montreal have announced that the event will have to be moved elsewhere unless $14 million in sponsorship can be found by next week.
"Are the championships in danger? Certainly, if that help doesn't come right now." screamed event director Yvon DesRochers, whilst furiously searching down the back of a nearby sofa.
The championships were to have been the biggest sporting event hosted in the city since the famously well financed Olympics of 1976.
Beavers Fail to Make it Three-in-a-Row at Milton Keynes

Milton Keynes: Niche Humour
Barnet Copthall were unsuccessful in their attempt to win the top visiting team trophy for a third year running at the Milton Keynes Masters.
The event, that traditionally marks the end of the year for masters competition, witnessed a slightly younger but relatively unhungover Copthall team trail by over 100 points to winners Oxford.
The City of Milton Keynes Masters Meet was hosted by the City of Milton Keynes Swimming Club and held at the City of Milton Keynes Leisure Centre in the town of Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire.
World Records for Asher and Harrison at 1500m Meet

1500m: Always exciting
The second weekend of competition at the Barnet Copthall 1500m meet saw two world records set in the space of a few hours.
In the first heat John Harrison, representing Godalming in the 90-94 years age group, destroyed the previous world best, finishing in a time of 40:43.49.
This was then followed by the First Lady of masters swimming, Jane Asher, beating her own world record. The swimmer from King's Cormorants finished in a time of 23:54.74 - over a minute ahead of her nearest 70-74 years rival.
Competitor Disqualified For Illegal Boat Use During 1500

Boat: Used
This year’s Barnet Copthall 1500m began in controversial circumstances after a competitor was disqualified for illegal boat use.
It was during the 12th length that competition officials spotted the boat, a laser-class dingy, being used. However, strict ASA rules governing boat use meant the disqualification could not take place until the end of the event.
The competitor, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said ‘I now accept that I fully deserved the disqualification, and can only apologise. I just didn’t think for one minute that people were actually expected to swim 1500m.’
UptheBeavers Launches Shop Just in Time for Christmas

Beavershop: Perfect for Xmas
This festive season nobody should be short of ideas for presents thanks to the launch of Beavershop - the Official Online Shop for UptheBeavers.
Whether you are looking for a t-shirt, a baby's bib, some chocolate, a string thong, a toilet seat cover or even a door panel for your Smart Car you can now find it at the Beavershop. There are a whole host of different products available with a wide range of exclusive UptheBeavers designs included.
'I'd been searching for an "I don't do backstroke" fridge magnet for ages and thanks to Beavershop I was able to buy one' said one unprompted customer.
Reynolds' Records Certainly Not Due to Mid-Life Crisis

Butch: Double Gold
Mark 'Butch' Reynolds set a winning example at the National Short Course Championships in Sheffield with two British Records.
Competing in the 40 to 45 age group, and conspicuously wearing both a full bodysuit and a hat, Reynolds destroyed the field in the 50m and 100m freestyle, finishing in a time of 24.80 and 53.95 respectively.
The victories were part of an incredible 18 golds, 10 silvers and 3 bronze won by Barnet Copthall swimmers in individual events, with relay teams adding a further gold, three silvers and a bronze.
Robinsons Buck Trend by Producing a Baby Boy

Old Joke: Recycled
The Swiss Family Robinson are cracking open the Toblerone after the birth of their second child, and the fourth for Barnet in 2004, Joe Henry Robinson.
From Lausanne, parents Matt and Lisa confirmed that the delivery of their son had been less trouble than the delivery of their pool table, with both mother and 7lbs 8oz baby doing well after only 1.45 hours of labour.
Before the birth speculation was rife over possible names with Jim, Scott, Will and Milka all early favourites for selection. However, the family was quick to deny initial reports that the newborn had been named after Joe Twyman.
Pickering Beaten in 50m Free by Ipswich Town Footballer

Pickering MBE: Pipped
Commonwealth swimming champion Karen Pickering MBE has been beaten in a 50m freestyle sprint by Ipswich Town footballer Ian Westlake.
The Tractor Boy challenged the Ipswich-based swimmer to the race after seeing her compete at this summer's Olympics in Athens.
Leading up to the contest Pickering was in a confident mood predicting that 'he’ll go about 27 seconds, so I’m hoping to go under 26 seconds.'
The four-time Olympian did go under 26 seconds, finishing in a time of 25.74. Unfortunately Westlake, a former captain of the England Schoolboys water polo team, went faster - taking victory in a very impressive time of 25.21.
Foster Floats Through His Butterfly, Stings on His Free

Foster: Faster
After controversially missing out on selection for the Olympics, Mark Foster has bounced back with gold in the 50m freestyle and silver in the 50m butterfly at the World Short Course Championships.
The competition, taking place in Indianapolis, also saw Britain’s James Hickman win an unprecedented fifth straight 200m butterfly title.
Experts believe that Foster’s success can be directly attributed to a masters training session at Barnet that the 36 year-old took part in last month.
Training in a lane with Duncan Hartley and David Gelb was clearly beneficial.
Hartley Family Take Third Place as Baby Jumps the Gun

Krispy Kreme: Instrumental
The Hartley Family have won a surprise third place in the club pregnancy competition, thanks to the rapid arrival of their new baby daughter.
Caitlin Louisa Hartley arrived just over two weeks early, but despite the early entrance, still weighed in at a very healthy 7lbs 4.5oz.
Speaking exclusively to UptheBeavers, Becky Hartley said she was ‘tired’ but would not explain the degree to which the water-based labour had been brought on by extreme consumption of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
The result means the Swiss Family Robinson are cast adrift in fourth place.
Manchester to Host World Short Course Championships

Mancunians: Clearly Madfrit!
Manchester has won the right to host the FINA World Short Course Championships in 2008 after a 'closely fought contest' with Trieste in Italy.
Swimming will take place at pools installed at the Manchester Evening News Arena with the £4.4 million cost met through a combination of funding from UK Sport, British Swimming, the Northwest Regional Development Agency, Manchester City Council, car boot sales and some astute Ebay auctions.
According to the ASA, Manchester will become 'the first city in the UK to host any swimming world championships', presumably overlooking the fact that Sheffield hosted the World Masters Championships in 1996.
Long Day for Short Course Proves a Success

Wright: Tight Fitting Suit
The decision to experiment with the schedule for the Southern Counties Masters Short Course has generally met with the approval of competitors.
Despite one or two technical glitches, overall the move to have all this year’s events taking place on the same day proved to be a successful one.
However, SCASA entries supremo Terry ‘Spiderman’ Wright rejected the suggestion that next year both the long and short course galas could be held on the same day, gently dismissing the idea as 'utter crap'.
Sweetenham Reveals Plan to Harness Dark Side of Force

Vader: Excellent Motivator
Bill Sweetenham has announced his intention to utilise the Dark Side of the Force as part of Team GB's preparations for the Beijing Olympics in 2008.
The ASA's Chiefly Important Coach, and prospective Dark Lord of the Sith, explained in a prepared statement that ‘fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering but suffering leads to Olympic Gold’.
Darth Sweetenham later denied the decision had been influenced by the recent DVD release of the original Star Wars trilogy, rather predictably describing such a 'lack of faith' from his critics as 'disturbing'.
Copthall Masters Coach Celebrates 50th Birthday

Wright: Tight Fitting Suit
Ian 'Wellard' Woollard, coach for Barnet Copthall Masters has turned 50.
The long serving and long suffering coach coordinates all aspects of the masters squad and is also famous as 'the voice of Barnet galas'.
In recognition of his tireless efforts he has previously been awarded the Vivienne and Leonard Cherriman Trophy and last year won the prestigious Golden Beaver at the annual Christmas awards ceremony.
Although making no public comment himself, his official spokesperson said Wellard was 'delighted' his birthday had been mentioned on UptheBeavers.
The ASA Wants YOU! (To Help at the Nationals)

Wilso: Wants YOU!
ASA Masters Coordinator, and big UptheBeavers fan, Andy 'Wilso' Wilson is looking for help at the National Masters Championships in Sheffield.
The prestigious competition is taking place between 29th and 31st October and needs volunteers to monitor the warm-up periods before each session.
Anyone can help out and each volunteer will only be required for one hour.
Naturally, a shield, helmet and baton will be provided to deal with any unruly swimmers and to ensure the rules of the sprint lanes are correctly observed.
Those willing to help should e-mail Wilso directly, stating when they are free.
Sofa So Good for the Proctors As Lola Makes it Three

Run Lola Run
Barnet Copthall Swimmers Chris and Claire Proctor are celebrating after the birth of their third child.
Lola Angelica Proctor came in at a healthy 7lbs and arrived a clearly unrushed three days after initial contractions began.
Attention will now inevitably turn to the race for third and fourth place in the club pregnancy competition. Lisa Robinson and Becky Hartley still look to be taking things down to the wire, while Tessa Milne looks unlikely to challenge from a distant fifth place.
James Gibson Makes Surprise Appearance At Sprint Meet

'Gibbo' Gibson: Good Guy
Current World Champion and Olympic finalist James 'Gibbo' Gibson was an unexpected visitor at this year's Barnet Copthall Masters Sprint Meet.
The 23 year-old swimmer was supporting his girlfriend, who was competing for Loughbrough Town, but resisted the temptation to take part himself.
In an exclusive interview with UptheBeavers, Gibson would sensibly not be drawn into answering a question about whether or not he thought he would beat Michael Phelps in a fist fight, although he was happy to confirm that Essex boys make the best swimmers.
Sparkes Responds to Britain Entering the Bronze Age

Pinsent: Upset by Easy Win
Chief Executive of the Amateur Swimming Association, David Sparkes, has defended the British swimming team's performance at the Athens Olympics in an interview with BBC Radio 5 Live.
His widely reported comments include a defence of Bill Sweetenham's preparation for the games saying 'Bill's got it right.'
Sparkes also says that it is not possible to 'compare swimming to rowing' - or 'paddling up and down in boats' as he describes it.
'Is it easier to win a medal in rowing? Yes, it's much easier.' he explained.
Final Countdown to Athens Games Begins

Thorpe: Passive Aggressive
With only days until the start of the Olympics attention is turning to the pool.
The clash between Ian 'Thorpedo' Thorpe and Michael 'No Obvious Nickname' Phelps in the 200m freestyle is a much anticipated highlight.
British hopes for medals are also high thanks to the continued efforts over the last four years of Bill 'El Sweeto' Sweetenham and his Swimfast™ plan.
The opening ceremony takes place on the 13th August, specially scheduled to coincide with the deadline for entries to the Barnet Sprint Meet.
UptheBeavers is providing extensive coverage during the games and this expert analysis will be made available exclusively on the website after it was turned down by every media outlet and broadcaster, including Al Jazeera.
Beavers Bid a Fond Farewell to Swiss Family Robinson

Robinsons: Legging it
The swimmers of Barnet Copthall have said a temporary goodbye to two of the most successful members of the team. The Robinsons: reigning Top Male Competitor Matt, British Record Holder Lisa and daughter Lauren, are leaving for a three year stay in Lausanne, Switzerland.
Masters Coach Ian 'Wellard' Woollard led the tributes to the family, saying 'In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.'
When asked to comment on the move, Lauren Robinson said 'Bin!'
Records Tumble as Swimmers Go the Distance

Dedication: 'What you need'
This year’s Barnet Copthall Distance Meet was a showcase for fast swimming with a number of records broken over the course of the weekend.
In total five European records, seven British records, three Dutch records, an Irish record and a Northern Irish record all fell to competitors at the event.
For The Beavers, Jayne ‘Golden’ Ball continued her year of record breaking with another European record in the 800m freestyle. Sean 'Lone Wolf' McQuaid and Mark 'Butch' Reynolds then added to the entertainment with a very exciting and closely fought battle in the 200m freestyle.
Swimmers Start Long Walk to Athens

These Boots: Made for walking
The Great Britain Olympic Swimming Squad have begun the final stage of their preparation for the Olympic Games.
As part of Chiefly Important Coach Bill Sweetenham’s famously tough training regime, codenamed The Swimfast Plan, all 36 members of the squad will be walking the 1486 miles to the Greek Capital. The last member of the squad to arrive will then lose his or her place on the team.
It has been reported that although maps will be provided, El Sweeto has insisted that only A to Z maps of Birmingham be used.
‘Left right, left right!’ announced Sweetenham in a prepared statement.
Rise in Interest Rate Announced by ASA

The City
The Amateur Swimming Association has announced that the base rate of interest in swimming will rise by 0.25% in July to 5.75%.
Events such as the US Olympic Trials are thought to be behind the increase, continuing the upward trend that began during the World Championships in July 2003.
City analysts expect the interest rate to rise again in August to around 10%. However, it is also predicted that this four year high will then be followed by a sharp fall from September onwards.
Camden 'Do a Barnet' at Middlesex Masters

Swiss: Worthy Winners
Barnet Copthall lost out to a large and very determined Camden Swiss Cottage team at the Middlesex Masters Championships.
The Beavers, missing many of the competitors from the recent World Championships, battled to retain the trophies they were defending, eventually losing out by only seven points in the overall competition. There was some consolation for the team, however, as they successfully won back the Top Men’s team trophy, lost to Out to Swim in the previous year.
When it came to Southbury Leisure Centre, there was universal agreement that it was not possible to take the piss out of the pool.
Woollard Confirms Thursday Training as Normal

England 2 - Training 0
Masters Coach, Ian 'Wellard' Woollard has confirmed that training will be taking place as normal this Thursday. This is despite rumours suggesting the England vs Portugal match might lead to the session's cancellation.
Some swimmers have raised concerns that the ongoing lack of training, caused by clashes with England football fixtures, might have a negative effect on The Beavers at the upcoming Middlesex Masters Competition.
'When it comes to the Middlesexes, I think we all just need to stay calm' screamed Woollard hysterically.
Beavers Celebrate a Successful 'Italian Job'

Stanford: Chosen for 2006
Swimmers from Barnet Copthall are returning to London having enjoyed success at the 10th Fina World Masters Championships in Riccione, Italy.
Leading the way in the with her impressive haul of medals was Jayne Ball, while Georgie Hamilton won a hard fought bronze in the 200m butterfly. There were also medals for John Rittenhouse, Duncan Hartley and Judy Alden.
Team Manager Becky Hartely admitted that the decision to go to a pizzeria run by a flamboyant transvestite had been vital to the team's success.
Man With Tragic Haircut 'Surprise Choice' to Promote Pool

Are YOU Growing a Mullet?
The latest campaign to promote facilities at Barnet Copthall has been met with some bemusement by team members and members of the public alike.
It is unclear if the combination of aggressive pointing and bad hair in the advert has actually resulted in a boost in visitors.
The haircut chosen by the model, commonly referred to as The Mullet, was at its most popular during the mid to late 1980s. During that period such titans of fashion as Glenn Hoddle, Pat Sharpe and Michael Bolton adopted variants of the style.
IOC Hastily Clarifies Exact Meaning of '100 Days to Go'

Indicating where a roof goes
The International Olympic Committee has taken the unusual step of contacting organisers of the Athens Olympics to specify precisely how many days remain until the opening ceremony.
IOC President, Jacques Rogge, issued a statement saying 'There are now 100 days to go. That means the Olympics will begin on August 13th.'
It has been widely reported that this announcement came as a complete shock to the Greek organisers, EasyOlympics.com. 'We thought we had until some time in October at the earliest!' said their official spokesperson.
Unborn Baby This Year's 'Must Have' Accessory at GBs

It's a . . . . Breaststroker
Pregnancy proved to be no barrier for Barnet Copthall at the Great Britain Masters Long Course Championships as the team came home from the Manchester Aquatic Centre with an impressive haul of medals.
In the mixed relays, the 6 x 50m team (two men, two women, two foetuses) won first medals for Lisa Robinson and Becky Hartley's future offspring.
Jayne Ball was, once again, dominant in her age group, returning with four golds, setting a new European and two new British records along the way.
Overall the team won 15 golds, 10 silvers and 13 bronze in the individual events with four golds, three silvers and two bronze added in the relays.
Foster to Arm-Wrestle Sweetenham to Gain Selection

Foster: Arm Wrestle
Mark Foster has sensationally announced that he will arm-wrestle Bill Sweetenham to gain a place at the Athens Olympics this summer.
Both the former Barnet Copthall swimmer, who now trains in the Bath, and the ASA's Chiefly Important Coach believe that such a challenge is the only way to settle the ongoing dispute over selection for the British Team.
Should Foster, who may or may not have lodged an appeal that may or may not have been rejected, emerge victorious from the arm-wrestle it is thought that El Sweeto would have no option but to add the swimmer to the team.
Qualifying For 400m Free 'As Easy As Falling Off a Block'

Stevens: Goodbye to 400m?
In a move that will completely surprise and astound the swimming world, Australian Craig Stevens looks set to give up his place in the 400m freestyle at this summer's Olympics.
The Adelaide Advertiser has suggested the youngster will instead opt to concentrate on the 1500m. The decision would mean, by a happy and wholly unforeseen coincidence, that Ian Thorpe could be selected for the 400m.
However, Thorpe, the reigning 400m Olympic champion and world record holder who is unbeaten in the event over the last eight years, would still have to convince Australian officials that he is the right person to be selected.
Now You've Done It - Jim Has Fixed It For You

Not-So-Artistic Impression
Jim Hobsley and Helen Brooks have been celebrating their victory in the race to give brith to the first Barnet Copthall baby of 2004.
Weighing in at 6lbs, Jo Lauren arrived a good five months ahead of the nearest competitor.
Attention will now inevitably turn to the remaining three places in the race. The Proctors are firm favourites to come in second, but it looks like the third and fourth place clash between the Hartleys and the Robinsons will go down to the wire.
Speedo Concede New Suit Does Not Turn Skin Green

FSII: Green around the gills?
Top swimwear manufacturer Speedo has been forced into an embarrassing climb-down over the company's new FSII swim suits.
The latest addition to the Fastskin range was recently launched in a blaze of publicity and are to be worn at the Athens Olympics by elite swimmers including Michael Phelps and that Dutch woman with the nails.
However, tests conducted by UptheBeavers.com prove that, in contrast to claims made in Speedo's publicity material, the FSII will not change your skin to any shade of green, nor will it turn your eyes yellow.
In response, Speedo issued a statement saying 'Yep - we made it all up.'
Barnet Victory Eases Pressure to Remember Trophy

Woollard: Relieved
For the second year running the Beavers cruised to victory at this year's Basingstoke Fast Water Meet.
Dominant in many events, the Barnet Copthall team scored an impressive 398 points, 131 points clear of the hosts Basingstoke in second place.
Team coach Ian 'Wellard' Woollard had announced before the first race that it was 'extremely important' that Barnet returned victorious from this competition, partially because he had left the top team trophy at home.
Claims the trophy had been sold to pay for a sandwich in the Basingstoke pool café have been described as 'mostly exaggerated'.
Final Executive Car Parking Space To Go On Sale

Valet Parking: Optional
It has been announced that the last remaining parking space in the much-coveted Executive Car Park is going to be sold to the highest bidder.
At this stage details of the sale remain sketchy, with the Executive Car Park popular amongst masters swimmers due to its close proximity to the front entrance of the pools.
Interest in the space is expected to be very high despite The Hartleys, The Milnes, Simon Marsden, Joe Twyman, Sally Tuttmillerball, Lucy Robinson and Susie Breslin already being in possession of one of the prize spots.
A spokesperson for the pool cryptically said 'What Executive Car Park?
Two Races Means Five More Records For Golden Ball

Balls: Happy
Barnet Copthall Beaver Jayne Ball continued her recent very strong swimming at the Welsh Open Masters in Swansea.
The F age-group swimmer stormed the 1500m in a time of 21:28.48 - a new British and European Record. On top of that, the 800m split during the race of 11:18.35 was fast enough for furthers British and European records.
The record-breaking then continued for Jayne with a British record of 6:17.80 in that other famously easy event, the 400m Individual Medley.
Barnet Copthall swimmers went on to win an impressive haul of 22 gold medals across the weekend.
Beavers Valiantly Lose Battle to Retain Bracknell Trophy

Bracknell: Berks
A small contingent of Barnet Copthall Swimmers were sadly unable to retain the Top Visiting Team trophy at this year's Bracknell Masters Meet.
Despite some strong swims, the absence of a fourth male competitor proved costly when it came to the all-important relay events, with Wycombe District emerging as this year's victors.
Sources have subsequently suggested that team morale may have been damaged by the sudden loss of form suffered by Maria Martin Sanchez.
Straight after the competition a spokesperson for the team said 'I'll have set menu C and a glass of the house white please'.
ASA Adds Obstacle Race to GBs Programme

Obstacles: Gruelling
Later this week the ASA is widely expected to announce controversial plans to introduce an inflatable obstacle race to the programme of events at this year's Great Britain Masters Swimming Championships.
Reports suggest that this year's GBs will include an event taking place along an inflatable obstacle course. Very few details of the inflatables are currently available, though they are predicted to stretch the length of the pool at the Manchester Aquatic Centre.
When asked to comment on the plans, a spokesperson for the ASA blew a whistle and shouted 'Away you go!'
Ball's Up For More After Euro Record

Jayne's brother was ecstatic
Barnet Copthall Swimmer Jayne Ball capped a fine weekend at the Southern Counties Long Course Championships with two record breaking swims.
On the first day of competition at Crystal Palace the F age group swimmer set a new British record for the 200m freestyle in a time of 2:35.38. Even more success followed on the second day with a new European record of 5:27.72 for the 400m freestyle.
Speaking exclusively to UptheBeavers.com, Ball said there was room for improvement and promised to go even faster under the right conditions.
Woollard Catches Large Fish in Deep End of Pool

Carp: Caught
Masters Coach, Ian 'Wellard' Woollard, has been celebrating after unexpectedly catching a large fish in the deep end of Copthall Pools.
The fish, a carp weighing in at a hefty six stone, was reeled in from lane 4 during the warm-down of a recent training session.
'It struggled for a while, but eventually I managed to land it.' said Woollard.
A press release confirmed this is the first time an animal has been successfully caught inside the pool buildings since a bison was trapped in the men's changing room in 1994.