Foster to Fly the Flag for Britain at the Opening Ceremony


Foster: Doing his bit
Masters swimmer Mark Foster has been chosen to carry the Union flag during the lavish opening ceremony of this summer's Olympic Games, all set to begin in Beijing next week.
Foster, 156, will be competing in his fifth Olympics and described being awarded the role, voted for by fellow British Olympians, as a 'real privilege' and a 'real honour'. Away from the ceremony the Chelsea and Kensington and Bath and Barnet Copthall and Cambridge Swimmer will be hoping to win an elusive first Olympic medal in the 50m freestyle.
There were concerns that Foster would, characteristically, only be able to carry the flag for 23 seconds before giving up, but the British Olympic Association have already ruled this out.

One Armed Man Singlehandedly Fails in Channel Crossing


Desmet: Monoarmed
A 56 year-old man from France with only one arm has failed in his attempt to be the first man with only one arm to swim across the English Channel using only one arm.
'For me it's a great success and not a failure.' said a clearly inaccurate Olivier Desmet, who lost his arm in an motorcycle accident over 30 years ago. He was pulled out after 14 hours.
As a French national Monsiuer Desmet will be familiar with giving up after just a few hours. On the other hand, The ASA's Eternal Lifelong Everlasting Participation Tsar Guru Officer Extraordinaire Nuala Muir-Cochrane recently completed her maiden channel swim, successfully finishing in an impressive time of 12 hours 55 minutes.

Chinese Begin Comprehensive Sex Testing for Olympics

Men: Women
Chinese officials have begun sex determination of athletes for the upcoming Olympic Games.
The relevant authorities from Peking Union Medical College Hospital explained to the world's press that the testing process will involve blood tests being used to examine competitors' sex hormones, genes and chromosomes and not just 'looking at their boobs and / or willy'.
At the Atlanta Olympics in 1996 eight unnamed athletes failed sex determination, but all were later cleared after 'further examination'. Barnet Copthall's Mike 'Big Fibs' Fibbens, a competitor at the Atlanta games, confirmed that he had indeed been 'determined' to have 'sex' during the games, but does not recall being officially tested when doing so.

Distance Meet Provides Opportunity for More Record Breaking


Long Distance: Clara

Once again the Barnet Copthall Masters Distance Meet has proved to be a showcase for the very best performances over longer distances from swimmers from across the country.
Over the last 20 years the event has established itself as the country’s premier masters competition for distance swimmers and those with nothing better to do in the middle of July.
This year Sue Haigh was the undisputed star of the show, leading the way in the women's 55-59 years 800m freestyle. Her time of 11:04.08 was enough for a new European record.
The Tiverton swimmer then followed this up with a British record over the shorter 400m.
As always the club is eternally grateful to all volunteers who helped the event run smoothly.

Milne Destroys Own Club Record with Latest Arrival


FloBo: Dramatisation
Tessa Milne has destroyed her own club record with the birth of her second daughter.
Florence Betty Milne, or FloBo for short, arrived weighing in at an leg-crossing 9lb 15oz - a massive 13 ounce improvement on her previous record, set by daughter Ella back in 2005.
Mother and baby were both said to be doing well after the slight discomfort of the birth, leading to speculation that the family, including support team John Milne, may attempt to break the 10lb barrier in the coming years. Officially no comment has been made but after this latest effort the 'four minute mile of birth weights' looks well within the team's grasp.
Medical experts have linked low birth weight to health problems later in life. Clearly this will not be a pressing issue for the Milne family in years to come, though a chronic food shortage might very well be.

Life Begins (Again) at 41 for Resurgent Olympian Torres


Torres: Mother

Masters swimmer Dara Torres has proved yet again that age is no barrier to success in the pool after qualifying for the United States team at this summer's Olympic Games in China.
The 41 year-old mother qualified thanks to her performances at US Olympic Swimming Trials in Omaha, Nebraska - a competition not known for being particularly uncompetitive.
At the trials Torres, a former training partner of Chairman Mark Reynolds, edged out Natalie Coughlin by 0.05 seconds to finish first in the 100m freestyle. This was then followed up with two national records in two days in the 50m freestyle on her way to another first place.
Although qualifying in both the 50m and 100m freestyle, Torres will, like a true master, be dropping the longer distance to concentrate on the sprint. This means she will be competing in same event she took part in during her first Olympics way back in 1984, just two years after rival Natalie Coughlin was born.

Foster 'In Need of a Nap' After Regaining British Record

Foster: Still got it
With less than two months until his fifth Olympic Games, Mark Foster has proved he still has what it takes to race with the best after setting a new British record in the 50m freestyle.
Foster, 149, set the new national best time of 21.92 at a competition in Croatia as part of his final preparations for Beijing. It is the first time the Chelsea and Kensington and Bath and Barnet Copthall and Cambridge swimmer has swum under 22 seconds for the distance.
The World Championship silver medallist is now reported to be setting his sights on winning his first Olympic medal before he starts training for the London Olympics in September.
Previous Brtish record holder Simon 'Burnt Out' Burnett was unavailable for comment.

Rittenhouse Shines as Reynolds Sets 500m PB at Nationals


Rittenhouse: Geezer

Barnet Copthall Master John 'Dick Van Dyke' Rittenhouse set a new British and European record in the 200m backstroke at the British Masters Championships in Manchester.
The 50 year-old's time of 2:28.20 was a new personal best by just under three seconds. He then continued his sparkling form with another British record in the 100m backstroke.
In other events 'Chairman' Mark Reynolds also set a new personal best in the 500m freestyle. His time of 5:58.55 was said to be 'tough', particularly compared to his new British record set in the 100m free and missing his record in the 50m free by one one-hundredth.
Georgie Hamilton's six golds continued her impressive year with teammates Joe 'Arabian Goggles' Twyman and Christine 'Jess' Porter also finishing victorious. The mixed 120-159 and 160-199 years freestyle relay teams then added further to the list of national champions for Barnet Copthall at the competition.
'Cor blimey guv'nor! Maybe it's because I'm a Londonder? Doing the Lambeth Walk - Oi!' said Rittenhouse.

Japan Allows Swimmers to Choose Speedo After Protests


Kitajima: Angry
The Japanese Swimming Federation has announced that its Olympic swimmers will now be allowed to wear suits from any manufacturer after 16 national records and a world record were set at the Japan Open by swimmers wearing the controversial Speedo LZR Racer.
Japanese swimmers had been obliged to wear suits from either Mizuno, Asics and Descente, all of which are Japanese companies, but they will now be free to wear whatever they like.
In the most high profile example of discontent, reigning double Olympic breaststroke champion Kosuke Kitajima was reported to have been wearing a t-shirt rather obviously stating 'I am the swimmer' written in English, Japanese and Chinese across the front.
Kitajima set a new world record by a second in the 200m breaststroke at the Japan Open wearing a Speedo suit.

Government Announces Free Swimming for Over 60s


Over 60s: Delighted
England's swimming pools are to be made free to those aged over 60 as part of a government initiative that aims to make swimming free to all in time for the 2012 Olympics.
Andy Burnham, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, announced that £80 million would be given to local authorities as part of the initiative with a further £60 million to be spent on refurbishing and maintaining existing swimming facilities across the country.
The money is part of a wider government move to get 2 million more people involved in physical activity generally by 2012. Liberal Democrat spokesman Don Foster (not thought to be related to Mark Foster) helpfully said the government had 'no chance' of achieving this.
However others were more positive. 'Excellent news. I will be cancelling my direct debit immediately.' said more than one member of Barnet Copthall Masters the moment they heard news of the announcement.

Survey Finds Less British Teenagers Swimming Regularly

Teenagers: Not happy
The number of teenagers in Britain who swim regularly has more than halved since 1993.
The finding comes from a survey by BMRB that showed the proportion of British 11 to 18 year-olds who said they swim every week has fallen from 25% 15 years ago to 12% now. Age and location also seems to be an important factor with the Welsh coming out top of the aquatic activity league table with 23% of 11 to 15 year-olds regularly swimming, compared to only 10% in London, Yorkshire, Humberside and the North. Amongst all 16 to 18 year-olds nationwide dryness was particularly prevalent with only 9% regularly getting to the pool.
The decline is thought to be caused by the bewildering array of activities competing for teenagers time including computer games, growing hair, binge drinking, fornication, eating disorders and self harm.
In reaction to the news an unnamed teenager rather predictably told UptheBeavers in a prepared statement that it was 'so unfair' that his age group had been singled out by the survey, before succinctly adding 'I hate you!'.

Chinese Olympic Team Predicted to Top Medal Table in Beijing


China: Better than late 80s

After only appearing at the summer Olympics for the first time in 1988, China have been predicted to top the medal table when they host the games in Beijing this summer.
Academics from Sheffield Polytechnic predict that the Chinese will dramatically improve upon the 32 gold medals they won in Athens, a performance good enough to place them second.
Home advantage is thought to be key to the team's chances of success, but to top the table the Chinese will have to finish ahead of a rapidly improving Russian team, the always determined Australians and a team from the United States described as the 'best ever'.
'Hang on! We've got Ben Ainslie, Paula Radcliffe and that little kid in the diving - oh and Zara Phillips!' said a spokesperson for the British Olympic Assocation in response to the performance predictions.

Patient Pashelis Promptly Push Out Perfect Second


Sapir: Nap here
Six days later than expected Copthall’s Bar and Shahar Pasheli have produced a new son.
Sapir Gavriel Pasheli, widely presumed to be named after the Sapir–Whorf linguistic hypothesis, arrived safely after the now traditional 80mph journey to the birthing centre.
Described as a 'Little Bruiser', the newborn came in at a very impressive personal best weight of 8lb 7oz. Mother, baby, sister and father were all reported to be doing well.
As the news broke messages of congratulations flooded in from all over the world. 'Mazal tov Le'hooldet hatinok ani me'achel hamon osher ve briout lekol hamishpacha ohev hamon ve mitga'agea. Oh, and please tell everyone I won bronze in the 100m fly and 200m medley at the Israeli nationals.' said former beaver Galit Zahavi, speaking to UptheBeavers exclusively from Tel Aviv.
'Welcome to the club little Sapir - in both senses.' added Middle Eastern Peace Envoy Joe Bin Twyman.

Medals and Records Galore as Beavers Thunder Down Under


Reynolds: Ecstatic
Barnet Copthall Masters have again shown themselves to be a force in world swimming with their performances at the XII FINA World Masters Championships in Perth, Australia.
The small but well-travelled team produced swim after swim of world class quality. Georgie 'Relaxed' Hamilton lead the way with gold and a British record in the 100m follwed by another gold in 200m fly plus a further silver and bronze. Resplendent in his LZR Racer, 'Chairman' Mark Reynolds won two silvers and two bronze medals in the 50m, 100m, 200m and 400m freestyle, setting four British records in the process. Thanks to an administrative error John 'Fan Favourite' Rittenhouse was entered in every single event but still managed to smash his personal best in a 400m freestyle that drew the international crowd at Challenge Stadum to their feet. Copthall Coach Emma 'Hair Gel' Harvey won silver in the solo synchronised swimming event after joining up with Mark Reynolds, Sachika Yamawaki and Joe Twyman 'of Arabia' to win bronze in the 4 x 50m mixed freestyle relay, becoming the only person in the whole competition to win medals in both swimming and synchro events.
Overall the team won ten medals and achieved 24 top ten finishes. They can now look forward to the Europeans in Cadiz next year followed by the next Worlds scheduled to take place in Gothenberg, Sweden, in 2010.
Watch a slideshow of images of Barnet Copthall at the competition exclusively via UptheBeavers Television

World Record Number of World Records at Worlds a Record


Manchester: United
A record 18 world records were set during the five days of competition at the World Short Course Championships in the Duncan Goodhew Pool at the MEN Arena in Manchester.
The championships were the most significant swimming event ever to take place in the UK and the British team took full advantage of the significant home support in attendance. Continuing their excellent level of performance from the Olympic trials, British swimmers picked up three gold, ten silver and eleven bronze medals to finish fifth in the medal table.
American Ryan Lochte and Zimbabwe's Kirsty Coventry were selected as swimmers of the championships thanks to their world record destroying swims.

Boycott 'Definitely' On For Olympic Games


Boycott: Responding

Amidst much controversy Geoffrey Boycott has confirmed he will attend the Beijing Olympics.
The Professional Yorkshireman™ and former England creekiter said that he had given the matter extensive thought but had decided, on balance, that he will 'definitely' be attending.
Recent anti-Chinese protests in London, Paris and San Francisco had lead many to suggest Boycott should reconsider. Responding to the criticism Boycott insisted in an official statement that he 'very much liked Tibet' before adding 'particularly at the Grand National'.
Boycott's role is, as yet, undefined but is likely to include a thorough examination of the playing surface and extensive use of his key which would be 'stuck in here, here and here.'

Olympic Trials Produce British Team of 35 for Beijing


Burnett: Shock
After five days of record breaking performances the British Championships an impressive 35 swimmers booked their place on the British team for this summer's Beijing Olympics.
During the seven day event numerous British, European and even one Word record fell.
The highlight of the competition came from Liam Tancock who set a new world record in the 50m backstroke - the first long course world best time set by a British swimmer in 18 years.
However, for some expecting to book their place, the trials proved to be just that. High profile figures who missed out on individual events included triple British freestyle record holder Simon 'Burnt It' Burnett and chronologically challenged Mel 'Punctuality' Marshall.

Mark Foster Qualifies for the Olympics (Again)


Foster: Eternal Youth

Mark Foster has yet again shown that age is no barrier to success by qualifying for the Beijing Olympics this summer in his favourite (and indeed only) event: the 50m freestyle.
Foster, 143, achieved the required qualifying time in the heats of the British Championships at Ponds Forge and then finished first, ahead of young pretender Simon Burnett, in the final.
The result comes four years after many felt The Veteran's Veteran was unjustly denied a place at the Athens Olympics by the selection criteria set by Bill 'El Sweeto' Sweetenham.
The Bath Barnet Copthall Cambridge Chelsea and Kensingston swimmer, and friend of UptheBeavers, will now head off to the World Short Course Championships in Manchester, presumably to get some much needed pool time in ahead of his final final hurrah which begins on 14th August.

End to Writers Strike Brings No Relief for UptheBeavers

UptheBeavers writers: Lazy
The recent conclusion of the Hollywood writers strike has brought little relief to UptheBeavers who are still without a supply of material due to problems of their own.
Most visitors to the website had incorrectly assumed that UptheBeavers employed a large team of top Hollywood comedy writers to produce the endless, groundbreaking content.
Instead the site is actually written by a team of child workers hired directly from Triad gang masters in Taiwan, the vast majority of whom are still on strike as part of a long running industrial dispute over pay, working hours, pension provision and the frequency of beatings.
‘Output may continue to be affected for some months to come and I can only apologise.’ said editor of UptheBeavers Ivor Skrewkyk, ‘Of course it doesn’t help that Brian Blessed won’t cross a picket line!

Trickett and Sullivan Set New World 50 Free Records


That's the Trickett
The fastest male and female swimmers on the planet are both from Australia after the hotly anticipated Australian Olympic Swimming Trials produced half a dozen new world records.
First up was 22 year-old Eamon Sullivan who broke the previous record of Alain Bernard in the semi final and again in the final, finishing his championship winning swim in 21.28. The new record was 0.12 seconds ahead of the Frenchman’s time from just five days eariler.
The following day newcomer Libby Trickett, a previously unknown Australian who bears a striking resemblance to freestyler Libby Lenton, completed the distance in a time of 23.97 adding that to the 100m freestyle world record she set two days earlier.

Three World Free Records in Three Days for Bernard at Euros

Bernard: Freestyle King
French sprint freestyle sensation Alain Bernard was the star of the European Championships in Eindhoven, setting three world records in the space of just three days.
The 24 year-old set new world records in both the semi finals and finals of the 100m freestyle before completing his hattrick of records with a time of 21.50 in the 50m freestyle.
A new 50m world record was also set in the women’s event where 28 year-old Marleen Veldhuis from the Netherlands beat her compatriot Inge de Bruijn’s time from back in 2000.
Immediately following their sucess the two swimmers are reported to have issued a joint statement saying they hoped their new 50m records would last for many years to come.

Top Secret Australian Training Methods Cause Controversy


Williams: Not impressed

The training methods employed by Australia have once again come in for criticism after reports emerged of demanding swimming training off the coast of New South Wales.
Michael Williams, 39, was forced to swim in shark-infested waters for over 12 hours off the coast. Eye witnesses reported that by the end of the training set Williams had ‘pretty bad cuts and bruises to his legs and his arms, he was pretty exhausted, pretty badly sun burnt’.
‘I've got determination like no other person.’ said another of the men involved in the brutal training regime which comes just over a year after a similar incident. On that occasion Australia was criticised for using a crocodile in a swimming pool for training purposes.
'There is clearly no place for 12 hour swims in sport training' said Australia's Federal Sports Minister Rod Kemp in response.

Chinese Food to be Taken Away from US Olympians

Hom: Not impressed
It has been announced that the whole of the United States Olympic team will be taking their own food supplies and cooking their own meals at this summer’s Olympic Games in Beijing.
The US, responsible for popularising such culinary successes as the hamburger, the corndog, the Twinkie and candied yams, is said to be concerned that levels of hormones in some Chinese food are so high that innocent competitors actually risk testing positive for steroids.
China, responsible for popularising such culinary successes as number 12 (crispy aromatic duck), number 36 (house chow mien) and number 41 (Set Menu B), have insisted the food served at the upcoming Olympics will not just meet, but exceed international standards.
The US Olympic Team head chef, Ronald MacDonald, said that whilst he had ‘no objection to Chinese food per se’ he shared the concerns of US officials that team members would ‘want to eat it all again twenty minutes later’.

Speedo Announces Launch of Emperor's New Swimsuit


British Swimming: Threesome
Leading swimwear brand Speedo has launched a new range of elite swimming costumes.
The high-profile launch comes less than twelve months after leading swimwear brand Speedo launched a new range of elite swimming costumes. In a complete surprise the new range of elite swimming costumes, named LZR RACER, have been described by Speedo as 'the fastest swimsuit it has ever made'. The design was produced in consultation with such diverse organisations as the American space agency NASA and the Japanese fashion house Comme des Garçons. Suits will be available in six different colours: darkness, midnight, tar, pitch, minstrel and black. Only Australia and the US will be allowed customised colours.
American Michael Phelps worryingly described new suit as feeling 'like a spacesuit'. In contrast Australian Libby Lenton showed off her ample physics knowledge by saying wearing her costume felt like 'swimming downhill'.
The new suits are available to pre-order now with prices starting at a side-splittingly hilarious £140 for men's jammers, rising as high as a diarrhoea-inducingly traumatic £320 for full bodysuits.

Dwain Chambers 'Will Not Be Selected' for World Champs


Chambers: Odd shaped ball
After the recent widespread coverage surrounding Dwain Chambers, British Swimming has pre-empted any possible controversy by announcing its decision regarding the situation.
The Amateur Swimming Association has confirmed that the 29 year-old will not be selected for the World Short Course Swimming championships taking place in Manchester this April.
The sprinter has become a virtual pariah since returning to top-class competition at the start of February. Chambers' re-emergence came after a two year drugs ban followed by a period spent pursuing a career in American football. However, his recent victory at the British Trials in Sheffield has placed him firmly back in contention for a place on the British Olympic team.
So far neither Chambers nor his representatives have made any comment on British Swimming's selection snub.

Diamond Geezer Rittenhouse Sets New British Record

Rittenhouse: Starting well
Barnet Copthall's John Rittenhouse has begun 2008 with a British Record in the 200m backstroke at the London and South East Regions Long Course Masters Competition.
The backstroke and distance specialist, joint inventor of the Rittenhouse-Twyman Medley®, was part of a small team to travel down the frog and toad to the K2 Centre in Crawley. At such an early stage in the season few could Adam and Eve it when they took a butcher's hook at the results board at the end of Rittenhouse's race to see a time of 2:31.10.
The result further vindicates the 49 year-old's decision to travel with his trouble and strife and saucepan lids to Australia in April to compete in the World Masters Championships.
'Core blimey Guvnor! Gawd save the Queen.’ said the native New Yorker via the dog and bone after his race.

Entire Olympic Swimming Pool Stolen in 'Splash and Dash' Raid


Soprano: Chief suspect
Audacious criminals have successfully stolen an Olympic swimming pool worth £250,000.
The 50m x 30m stainless steel pool was stolen from storage trailers in American state of New Jersey. The pool's owners, Blue Streak Aquatic Swimming Club, had intended it to be used for Olympic time trials but they are now left having to make alternative arrangements.
Members of the public have been asked to be on the lookout for anyone approaching them in clubs and bars offering to sell them a very large swimming pool at an unusually low cost.
Police are said to be looking for a gang of criminals, with Deputy Police Chief Philip DiNicola telling reporters that the local police often receive reports of large amounts metal, including copper and aluminium, being stolen and sold for scrap. He was less forthcoming about the risk of copycat crimes.

Hollyoaks Girl Becomes New Face (and Body) of Swimathon

Roxanne: Swimming
In a largely unexpected move, Roxanne McKee has been chosen to promote the 2008 Swimathon, taking place from 17th - 20th April in aid of Marie Curie Cancer Care.
The 25 year-old politics graduate has not previously been known for her close involvement with swimming but is instead most ‘famous’ for her role in Channel 4’s hard hitting, gritty documentary Hollyoaks. She is also the FHM Magazine's 42nd sexiest woman in the world.
In defending the surprise appointment a spokesperson for Swimathon said ‘We feel that Roxanne represents the key ambitions of the Swimathon and we certainly did not choose her just so that we could get a load of alluring pictures leading to a pick up from The Sun.’
The spokesperson added that, contrary to some initial reports, Roxanne would not need to ‘put on the red light’.