UptheBeavers - Barnet Copthall Masters Swimming Club - For All Your Adult Swimming Needs in North London and Beyond - Plus jokes, abuse and general chlorine-based hilarity

Fine Dining Experience

Now then Upthebeavers,

Imagine my surprise when I came across the following (possibly not appropriate for polite company) advert for your new chain of American restaurants. I am glad to see that you are expanding beyond simply seldom amusing internet distractions.

Please can you tell me where I might find your nearest branch.

Many thanks in advance,

Joey Jeremiah
Degrassi Junior High
London

UptheBeavers say: This is certainly nothing to do with us. Nobody at UptheBeavers finds sexual innuendo concerning female genitalia amusing. Anyone found trying to slip it in would by asked to pull it out immediately.

Canadian Clarification II

Dear Upthebeavers,

In defense of any charges that may be directed at me. I must say the following;
In the memory of our Montgomery rebel leaders; Anthony van Egmond (good old Dutch heritage), Peter Matthews and Samuel Lount.

I must correct you and state very clearly that I did very much say that we are the best Masters Swim Club in Canada if not the World.

In the tradition of our rebel ancestors, (but hopefully with a much better results) the club is very prepared to take our cause forward.

Thank you kindly, eh?

Doug Vanderby
Head Buckaroo
North Toronto Masters Swimming Club

UptheBeavers say: So that is what happened to Peter Matthews? Although largely uncertain about what exactly it is you are all talking about, you will be delighted to hear that North Toronto has been granted Sister Club status.

Canadian Clarification

Dear Upthebeavers,

I am sure that all charges against Doug will prove to be unfounded. What he did say was that North Toronto Masters are the best Masters Club between Eglinton and Montgomery, Yonge and Oriole Parkway and that this is our World.

Doug, who is well known for his modesty and shyness, is highly supportive and appreciative of the peace and tranquility of this little corner of Toronto and urges his team to respect this. In fact it was from Montgomery's Tavern, a block from the pool, that an over-cidered group of local farmers launched the Upper Canada Rebellion in 1848 against the Squires of Muddy York. It is probable that several of his team are descended from these farmers, and like to keep this fine Canadian tradition alive.

I am also surprised at the lack of global fauna knowledge of your staff, particularly considering your website name. Doug, as all Masters swim coaches in Canada, is referred to as "Head Beaver". It is the other guys who have kangaroos.

Thank you kindly, eh?

Chris Smith
Masters Swimming Canada

UptheBeavers say: Your clarification is appreciated. Unfortunately UptheBeavers is not in a position to make a comment about the FINA investigation while it is still ongoing.

Explanation For World Champs Failure Recently Discovered

Dear Madam,

I feel, in the strongest possible terms, that the disappointing performances of British swimmers at the World Championships can be blamed on the following British Government public information film:

Is it any surprise that the British squad lacks the depth their Australian and American contemporaries? Well is it?

That is all. Carry on.

L Reith
Wood Lane
London

UptheBeavers say: Charley says never go swimming near a man who dresses up like Obi Wan Kenobi and sounds like Donald Pleasence. It is good to see Crystal Palace featuring so prominently, however.

Look What I Found

Howdy Partner!

Whilst being driven around the state of Georgia by my mother I noticed the following sign:

Please can you enlighten me. Has UptheBeavers branched out into real estate or am I simply confused?

See y'all,

Roy Rogers
The Good Ol' South
USA

UptheBeavers say: As a commercial enterprise UptheBeavers is always searching for new and exciting revenue streams to boost profitability. This is not one of them.

Can You Tell What It Is Yet?

Sire,

Rolf Harris tells me I should teach my children to swim:

I do everything Rolf Harris tells me.

Lots of love

Anthony Decland
Newcastle

UptheBeavers say: If you are going to teach your children to swim, please do not do it during a masters training session. Simply throw them in the deep end at the La Santa pool like everyone else. Problem solved.

So Long and Thanks for All the Lifts

Dear Team,

As you are probably aware I've returned to the "Holy Land" (Israel not Totteridge) and I wanted to take the chance to say thank you and goodbye to you all.

I would especially like to thank Ian without whom I would not have been able to enjoy your fantastic group. I had a wonderful time and I hope that some day in the future I'll be back for a visit.

If you would like to keep in touch simply lift your telephone receiver and speak - one of my colleagues will be listening and will pass on the message.

Good luck to you all in Sheffield.

Kind regards,

Galit Zahavi
Definitely Not the Mossad Headquarters
Tel Aviv
Israel

UptheBeavers say: Thanks for letting us know.

Important Discovery

Dear Sir,

There is an extremely large ball of human hair in the deep end of the main pool at Barnet Copthall. It must be the size of my fist. I should know, I put it there.

That'll learn you bastards.

Yours faithfully,

Mr J Public BSc(hons)
Hendon
London

UptheBeavers say: Thanks for letting us know.

Excellent Blowing Job

Oi Ivor!

Why don't you lot stop pissing around with all your swimming up and down, up and down, up and down and instead do something useful in the pool.

This guy on the Japanese version of Panorama shows how you can spend all that time more constructively:

You're welcome.

Alfred McGuffen
Brighton
The South of England

UptheBeavers say: Is that from the Japanese version of Panorama? Is it really?

Good Tri Georgie

Dear Ivor,

I attach a photo of Barnet Copthall's Georgie Hamilton taken in Lanzarote last week.

I think I am correct in saying that she only missed one of the two hour training sessions held twice a day for a week, and that was to take part in her first ever triathlon.

This happened to be the Volcano Triathlon - 1.5k swim (in that horrid lagoon); 40km bike and 10 km run. She was one of the most experienced competitors and she won a trophy for her efforts.

There were 280 entrants, all equally as mad as Georgie but not all looking so happy, some were taking it seriously ... The Ironman follows next weekend.

See you soon,

Golden Ball
Club La Santa
Lanzarote

UptheBeavers say: Yes Jayne, Georgie did do extremely well - especially considering all the roadworks. She was lucky she was not held up in a contraflow.

Foot Thoughts

Ivor,

I'm a regular reader of your website and I swim with the North Toronto Masters.

I noted your latest 'foot' blurb that relates with another blog that I follow...

A condition common on both sides of the pond?

Chris Smelt
Toronto
Canada

UptheBeavers say: Well discussing diseased feet certainly makes a refreshing change from Otters versus Beavers.

Animal Altercations Part III

Y'all do know that otters even take on crocodiles, and chase them off? Never mind beavers... (really, oriental otters, in a tag team effort)

(yeap I am a geek)

Butch Cassidy
Nature (as in the British science journal)
London

UptheBeavers say: And how exactly do these 'oriental otters' fight crocodiles? Maybe they use kung fu? Does anyone have anything else they would like to contact us about? Please.

Animal Altercations Part II

Top of the morning to you!

It seems that Sir Attenborough may have been mistaken in his letter to you.

Having done a little internet research, unsurprisingly it appears that the otter would beat the beaver every time, in fact otters have been known to prey on, and eat, young and adolescent beavers.

Otters are athletic powerhouses weighing anything up to 10kg, whose diet includes fish and ducks. Beavers, on the other hand, are gentle veggies, who mate for life, and are known as the practical jokers of the animal world.

All very well, but when it comes to a fight to the death, joking's not going to get you anywhere.

However, we will concede that the beaver has it over the otter when it comes to breath holding. An otter can hold its breath for a paltry 20secs, whereas a beaver could go up to 10mins - we're grudgingly impressed.

Finally, an otter's eyes are positioned so that they can see all of their body under the water. Considering the female Otter's tendency to check themselves out in their fastskin suits whilst racing, I'm not at all surprised.

The jury's out as to who would win a 50m sprint, but frankly, who cares, the otter would just eat the competition. It's game over for the beaver.

Yours, in the spirit of inter-club bonding,

Gina G and Fifi Le Marché
Inter-Club Liason Officer and Captain
The Shell Garage
London

UptheBeavers say: 10kg is quite clearly nothing compared to the 25kg that adult beavers grow to and, as every Barnet Copthall Masters swimmer knows - SIZE MATTERS!

Important Discovery Made

Sir!

I recently received the following picture via what is often called, in the parlance of our time, electronic mail:

I do believe that this is a very early photograph of a swimming relay team, most probably from Barnet Copthall masters.

Note the old-fashioned, less hydrodynamic design of swimming hat and trunks. The fact that, in those days, a baton was still used during swimming relays is also clearly visible.

Sincerely yours,

Mrs and Mr Andrew R. Wilkinson
Mill Hill
London

UptheBeavers say: The fact that all the featured swimmers have been photographed posing on the side, rather than in the water, proves that this is indeed a photograph of a Barnet Copthall Masters Swimming Club relay team.

The Age Old Question

Dear Mr Skrewkyk,

Thank you for your letter and your kind words of support.

In answer to your queries, even the largest of the otter species, the sea otter, is only little more than half the size of the average adult beaver.

Having said that, despite the large discrepancy in size it is not possible to accurately ascertain whether or not a beaver would be able to, as you put it, ‘have an otter in a fight’.

Please be aware, however, that I would never condone the organisation of a ‘fight’, or any other altercation, between two animals even if there were, as you say, a ‘large amount of money riding on it’.

Finally, interesting though it no doubt is, I personally do not feel that it is necessary for someone of your significant maturity to include his age after his name at the end of any correspondence, particularly not to the nearest quarter of a year.

Yours faithfully,

David Attenborough (Sir)
Richmond
London

UptheBeavers say: We agree that organised animal conflict is not generally something that should be encouraged. However, within a liberal democracy, the vast majority would agree there should always be room for cock fighting.

Urgent Action Required

Sir!

I recently received the following picture via what is often called, in the parlance of our time, electronic mail:

While your first reaction might incorrectly be one of amusement, I believe the image instead raises some important, pertinent and not to mention extremely relevant questions about child protection.

I wish to know exactly what is being doing to ensure that children of any age do not have to swim with men over a certain weight. As masters swimmers we need to be told.

Sincerely yours,

Mr and Mrs Andrew R. Wilkinson
Mill Hill
London

UptheBeavers say: We called a number of important people to ask for a response. They were not in.

Drag Pants Fail to Deliver

Dear Sir / Madam,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the seemingly never-ending trend of wearing drag pants during periods of swimming training. I have been wearing my drag pants for over six months now and I do not believe, for one minute, that they make me look anything like a woman. I would even go as far as saying they make no difference whatsoever. I tell you, it's a disgrace - not to mention a waste of money, time and effort.

Yours,

Peter Smalls (Mrs)
Scunthorpe

UptheBeavers say: There is still some debate regarding the relative merits of wearing drag pants during training. Have you thought about buying a pair of pink drag pants?