What is masters swimming?
As the ASA so beautifully puts it:
Masters swimming is swimming for adults. It encompasses the whole range of ability from casual fitness swimming to highly organised competitive swimming. To qualify as a 'masters' swimmer one needs only to be over 25 years of age, but there are also a number of competitions for younger adults above the age of 19.
So now you know.

How do I join?
Just turn up at the pool at a time when the masters are training. Knock three times and ask for Barnie. As part of the initiation ceremony we will provide the plastic sheeting, but you will be expected to provide the crayons. It goes without saying that you should not forget to bring two pints of blood from a newly slaughtered goat (or kangaroo if you are aged over 30). You should also take a look here.

Will I have to swim hundreds of lengths at a time?
No. The training sessions are conducted in a very relaxed and friendly atmosphere. Those that want to can swim seriously for an hour, but others prefer to take it at their own pace. However you will be expected to reach a certain standard and failure to do so will result in you being escorted off the premises by security.

Do I have to pay for my first session?
No. The first session is free so if you don’t like it you don’t have to come again.

Does the team compete in galas?
Yes. We have sent competitors to galas across the world (although a lot of them are held at our pool!). When you join The Beavers you become a member of one of the best masters club in the country. However, anyone who wants to can compete; there are no minimum standards. A fact we prove regularly.

Do you cater for triathletes looking to improve their swimming?
Definitely. We have a number of accomplished triathletes amongst The Beavers. They are easy to spot because the moment training is over they rush out of the pool, get changed very quickly and then speed off home on their bikes.

What is the main difference between masters training sessions and club / age group swimming?
When you are a senior the authority of the coach is absolute. When you are a master the authority of the coach is absolute zero.

What is the main difference between masters training sessions and public swimming?
We get out of the pool when we have a wee.

I have not completed my Competitive Start Award. Will I still be able to complete in galas?
What's a Competitive Start Award?

I don't think I can travel all the way to north London, are there any other masters clubs in the UK?
In other parts of London the largest masters swimming clubs are Otter who cover central and south London; Camden Swiss Cottage who cover central and north London; Spencer, who are in south London and Wandsworth who, rather unimaginatively, are in Wandsworth.
For more masters clubs in London and the rest of the country take a look at the ASA's almost adequate list.

How is the site financed?
UptheBeavers receives just over £69,500 a year in grants from the Department for Culture, Media and Sport; Sport England; the National Lottery Heritage Fund and the European Regional Development Fund.
This finance helps to cover ongoing costs for all the technology, design, hosting, content, office space and the salaries for eleven full-time members of staff and four part-time consultants.

I really love the site but for some unknown reason my firewall will not accept the word 'beaver' in any web address. Is there an alternative address I can use to access the site?
For a safer, more friendly web address try http://www.eyepi.co.uk/masters/

What do these age groups mean?
Just like when you're in prison, when you join Barnet Copthall Masters you cease to be a person and become a number - or in this case a letter.
All swimmers are divided into age groups depending on their age in that year of competition. The age groups are in five year blocks starting at 'A' for 25 to 29 and going all the way up. There is also a special X rating for young whipper-snappers aged 19 to 24.
Also just like prison, people may try and make you do things in the showers that you might otherwise not want to do.

I have noticed that in Sheffield you can pay £19.99 a month (with no joining fee) for unlimited use of a huge variety of sports facilities across South Yorkshire including a number of state-of-the-art gyms and Ponds Forge - widely recognised as one of the best swimming pools in the world. Does Barnet Copthall offer anything like this?
In a word: No. In three words: No definitely not.

Looking for hot hardcore porn? Then go to www.bonkmeupthebumwithastick.com!
We get a lot of these arriving in the inbox, and each time they tend to answer their own question. And it's not just porn. Do we want to consolidate all our debt into one easy payment? Do we want to buy Viagra? Do we want a larger penis? Odd.

Can you recommend a good site where I can get paid for voting on polls and surveys?
Certainly. UptheBeavers would strongly recommend www.YouGov.com - it really is the greatest site on the internet. When you register, your virtual account is credited with £1. Then you are regularly invited to take part in paid for polls. Once your account reaches £50 they send you a cheque in the post. Yes they really send you a cheque in the post.

And are there any other sites you would recommend?
Apart from YouGov . . . . . UptheBeavers would recommend the official ASA site as the first (and probably last) place to look for all the masters info you could ever need. Also, Pull Buoy, SwimClub.co.uk and the Basingstoke Club Site all deserve a swimming-themed mention. And away from the pool there's Fark, The Onion, The Rockall Times, The Framley Examiner, The Internet Movie Database and the SPSS Syntax Discussion Group - fun for all the family.

What do I need to view the site in its full glory?
So far the site has only been tested on PCs with MS Internet Explorer - and it works fine. For best performance you need a screen resolution of 800x600 and 16-bit colour etc. To view .PDF files you need Acrobat Reader.

Why did you give the site a 12A rating?
So that we can use the word 'fuck' with impunity.

How often is this site updated?
As the great Phil Collins once sang: 'You can't hurry love. No you'll just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take'. Not quite sure if that helps to answer your question, but what a song eh?

Can you recommend a good book about swimming and swimmers?
Without a doubt, the best book ever written about swimming is Gold in the Water by P.H. Mullen.
E-mail here if you disagree.

Can you recommend a good film about swimming and swimmers?
Although the selection is rather limited, Swimming Upstream starring Oscar winner Geoffrey Rush and some guy from Neighbours is almost certainly the best. Alex then comes a very distant second and Swimfan is a pile of shit. Neither The Swimmer nor Swimming Pool count, but on the small screen the season two episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer entitled Go Fish is brilliant!
E-mail here if you disagree.

Is it true that swimming is good for your sex life?
Absolutely! Assuming, of course, that your partner does not object to the hat and goggles and does not notice the smell of chlorine. Remember to take your nose clip off first though.

Do the views expressed on this site represent the views of Barnet Copthall Swimming Club, Barnet Copthall Sports Centre, London Borough of Barnet, Greenwich Leisure Limited or Her Majesty the Queen?
No. Any views expressed only represent the views of our imaginary friend George and his cat Derek. What's that Derek? Oh no - we don't think we could do that. Think of the mess it would cause. The horrible, horrible mess. Oh, okay then.

How did you get Michael Barrymore to be your Pool Consultant?
Buggered if I know.

Is Michael Barrymore a good Pool Consultant?
He's allwight.

How can stability of a strong government that the First Past the Post electoral system provides be replicated in a form of PR?
The position of a strong government is in fundamental contradiction with strictly proportional democratic representation. PR will only provide a strong government when there is sufficient will amongst the electorate - although, paradoxically, not always the populous.

What's the most disgusting thing you've ever found in a swimming pool?
I'm not going to say - but trust us when we say I'll Always remember it. (I wish I was joking!)

I have always wondered which of the BBC weather forecasters is the best swimmer?
The answer is housewives' favourite Chris Fawkes.

I find some of the comments on your site very offensive.
Hey, you know what – me too. Let’s form a support group.

Do you write your own material?
Yes – but Bruce Forsythe MBE and Jim Davidson help.

How did you get Mr T to enter the Barnet Sprints?
He’s a close personal friend.

What's that smell?
The drains in the boys' changing room.