Swimming Themed Computer Games'Must Haves' For Christmas

Games: In high demand
Two swimming themed computer games have become the 'must have' buys this Christmas.
Queues of eager shoppers have been forming throughout the festive period as many desperately try to get their hands on the last few remaining copies of the games for sale.
The first, Sweeto 08: Advanced Swimming Coach Simulator, is available on all major platforms and allows the player to become coach of their own virtual swimming club, using all their skill and ingenuity to progress to the Olympics. To achieve success in the game players must, for example, select the best relay teams, develop successful training sets, build support amongst influential parents and pick individual swimmers for targeted humiliation.
As a more action orientated alternative Electronic Arts have finally released the much-hyped Kevin Murphy's Channel Swimmer. Available exclusively on Nintendo Wii, it allows gamers to use the Wii's revolutionary controllers to actually take part in an exciting, edge-of-the-seat virtual 14 hour swim across the English Channel in real time.
The game takes place against the clock, with players dodging obstacles and collecting points along the way, racing either alone, against one of the computer controlled opponents (including Alison Streeter, David Walliams, Carlos Fresco and HRH Kevin Murphy himself) or online against thousands of other players from all over the world.

Copthall's 'Water Babies' Take Awards At Christmas Dinner


Gelb, Edmondson and Twyman
The new generation of Barnet Copthall masters swimmers took centre stage at this year's annual Christmas Dinner and Awards presentation, picking up all three major awards.
A relatively ancient Joe Twyman, 30, picked up Male Swimmer of the Year with Jane Edmondson, 24, adding Female Swimmer of the Year and Dave Gelb, 26, completing the domination of the 'Water Babies' by winning Most Improved Second Best Backstroker.
In his review of the club's successes over the last twelve months coach Ian 'Wellard' Woollard paid tribute to the whole team, from 77 year-old Donald 'The Don' Payne to 18 year-old Kate 'The Toddler' Ferrigno. He also made a special point of praising the efforts of Jaime Minter-Green and John Rittenhouse who jointly won Top Beaver for their recent long distance charity swims.

Crowd Wowed by Impressive Wood on Display at 1500 Meet

Wood: Impressive
Paula Wood from Ealing used the Barnet Copthall Masters 1500m Meet as an opportunity to set an impressive new British and European record for the 25 to 29 years age group.
Her time of 17:24.96 was over three minutes ahead of second place but was only one of a number of national and international record breaking times set over the eventful weekend.
Amanda Picard from Switzerland swam like cuckoo clockwork to establish new Swiss records at both 1500m and 800m for the 35 to 39 years age group. South African and Irish national masters records were then added by Hannah Ueckermann and Aaron Murphy respectively.
Additionally Chloe Williams, Laura Bellars and Sue Pepper all set new IPC masters records.
'It is our task to ensure that we offer a clear pathway for all to continue swimming whatever their ability. And I know I do usually turn up, but this year I had my president's dinner which, incidentally, you didn't attend.' said the ASA’s Eternal Lifelong Everlasting Participation Tsar Guru Officer Extraordinaire, Nuala Muir-Cochrane.

Bill Sweetenham Rules Himself Out of England Manager's Job

Sweetenham: Thai Chi fan
Former British Swimming National Performance Director Bill Sweetenham has ruled himself out of the running for the newly vacant position of manager of the England football team.
El Sweeto is said to be one of a number candidates considered by the Football Association, along with 'Big' Sam Allardyce, 'Little' Jose Mourinho and 'Sort of Medium' Martin O'Neill.
It was thought that the Australian's uncompromising manner coupled with his experience of dealing with consistent underachievement would make him perfect for the demanding role.
However, a spokesperson for the Football Association has cast doubt on whether or not Sweetenham was ever even a viable candidate. 'I think he's got about as much chance as Jurgen Klinsmann.' said the unnamed official whilst desperately searching for a number of straws to clutch at.

Government Politely Encourages Women to Get Off Their Arse

Swimmer versus Non-swimmer
The British government has called on women to do more exercise after an independent report found that only around one in five adult females was doing enough physical activity.
The report, published by the Women’s Sport and Fitness Foundation, also found that 40% of girls as young as seven do not wish to be seen as 'sporty'. However, some leading figures from within the government are said to be 'completely baffled' as to why more women do not take up sport, particularly when they could earn up to a massive £40 a day representing their country at the finals of this year's Women's Football World Cup in China.
Fortunately masters swimming already provides excellent opportunities for women wishing to exercise. Responding to the report's findings the ASA’s Eternal Lifelong Everlasting Participation Tsar Guru Officer Extraordinaire, Nuala Muir-Cochrane, said in an exclusive interview with UptheBeavers 'Look, can't this wait? And are you still in a bad mood about not being asked to do the entertainment at my Christmas dinner?'

Annual Awards Ceremony Embroiled in Voting Controversy

Logan: Pissed off
The Barnet Copthall Masters annual awards ceremony has become embroiled in controversy regarding the selection of winners for the event, scheduled to take place this Christmas.
The situation bears striking similarities to the debate raging over Gabby Logan's surprise elimination from BBC One's Strictly Come Dancing with suggestions that the awards at the Golden Beavers amount to little more than a 'popularity contest'. The absence of any independent adjudication of the award process has only heightened accusations of blatant favouritism, nepotism and bribery amongst the secretive and publicity-shy panel of judges.
'If one of my children doesn't win junior supporter this year there's going to be serious trouble!' said one anonymous attendee in a message scrawled in large letters on the wall of the changing rooms.

Barnet Copthall Shine Yet Again at Short Course Nationals


Copthall: Observing
Once again Barnet Copthall Masters have shown themselves to be a formidable force at the ASA National Masters and Senior Age Group Championships at Ponds Forge in Sheffield.
Judy Alden, Jayne Ball, Elaine Blower, Mike Fibbens, Georgie 'Legal Stroke' Hamilton, Duncan 'No Training' Hartley, 'Chairman' Mark Reynolds and Joe 'Flash' Twyman were all crowned national champions in individual events during the three days of short course competition.
Meanwhile the Barnet Copthall 240 - 279 years women's freestyle relay team set a new British and European record on their way to gold, just finishing ahead of Sussex Martlets.
In all events the team brought home a grand total of 21 gold, 5 silver and 6 bronze medals.
Reacting to his team's performances a delighted Ian Woollard said 'I'm not leaving until they've reopened the M1'.

ASA Turns to Muir-Cochrane to Help Masters Keep It Up

Nuala: True master
Middlesex ASA County Chairman and well-known masters swimmer Nuala Muir-Cochrane has been appointed by the ASA to boost swimming participation amongst those aged over 16.
The aim of the new position of Eternal Lifelong Everlasting Participation Tsar Guru Officer Extraordinaire, or ELEPTGOE for short, is to encourage adults of all ages to stay in the sport for longer and also to help those currently outside swimming to take it up for the first time.
It is not yet known if the rules governing the sport will be changed to ensure that masters swimming can become the most exciting thing that teenagers can start when they turn 16.
'Look, I'm very sorry I didn't ask you to provide the entertainment at the county dinner, but can you lot please all come along anyway?' said Muir-Cochrane during an exclusive interview with UptheBeavers.

Carlos and Sally Promoted to Rank of Sex God by Magazine


Fresco: Sex God
Which? Magazine has taken the unusual step of promoting leading Copthall swimmers Carlos Fresco and Sally Tuttmillerball to the rank of 'Sex Gods' in an upcoming issue.
The well-known consumer rights champions enlisted a number of leading Beavers to help establish which of a wide range of popular goggle designs 'could be a potential death-trap'.
Although the issue in question has yet to be published, photographs used to accompany the article have already been leaked on the internet, confirming the new Sex God status.
Carlos Fresco's official spokesman Justin Black said 'I pay for a ticket to the Christmas Party every year but this year I'm definitely going to turn up. Sorry what was the question?'

Barnet Copthall Masters Crowned Adult Team of the Year


Barnet Copthall: Winners
Barnet Copthall Masters Swimming Club have been recognised for their long years of strong performances after being named Adult Team of the Year at the Barnet Celebrating Sport award ceremony, regarded as one of the leading ceremonies of its type in North London.
As a result of The Beaver's utter domination of the category no other teams even received nominations. However, it was widely rumoured on the night that the Hampstead Garden Suburb Women's Institute Bowls Team and the East Finchley Bald Stag Sunday League Football Team were both upset to have been overlooked after their successful seasons.
'We were just happy to be nominated, and to get some free food.' said coach Ian Woollard.

Official Water Polo Rules Dangerously Misinterpreted

Water polo: Horsing around
Water polo training techniques in the United States have been called into question after a horse had to be rescued from a private swimming pool in North Knoxville, Tennessee.
The 85 stone former show horse named Mountain required antibiotics and was treated for hypothermia after spending so long in the water, seemingly as part of some bizarre training.
'He’s like a 1,200 pound yard dog.' said the American Saddlebred's owner Deborah Black, not elaborating on whether she had any actual 1,200 pound dogs to compare him against.
'There is clearly no place for horses in sport training' said Australia's Federal Sports Minister Rod Kemp in response.

Another Clock Up at Barnet Copthall Swimming Pools


Clock: Up
The actions of certain unnamed individuals have lead to another clock up at Barnet Copthall.
Many users of the main swimming pool have already lost count of the number of times there had been a new clock up over the last few years. However, it is hoped that this latest clock up will provide a more permanent solution to the recent ongoing problems with timing.
Ian 'Wellard' Woollard, who has been getting his own clock out during Monday night training in preperation for the nationals, said that he was personally 'delighted' with the clock up.
However Mike Fibbens, a self confessed clock expert currently on holiday in Spain, urged caution with the latest clock up. 'We have to be careful because these are delicate pieces of equipment. Just the other day I was playing with my clock and a bit of it fell off. Now it doesn't work at all.'

Outrage Over Leg and Arm Binding a 'Simple Misunderstanding'

Binding: All good, clean fun
The father of a Chinese girl hoping to be the youngest ever swimmer of the English Channel has clarified the unconventional training methods he has adopted in search of success.
It had been reported that as part of her training ten year-old Huang Li had her ankles and arms bound before entering the Yangtze River, resulting in strong criticism from some.
However, her father, Huang Daosheng, explained that everything had been a 'simple understanding' and that it was actually her knees and wrists that were bound, a technique he had seen on television. He added that some athletes had already offered their support.
'In order to succeed you have to do whatever is necessary.' said sprinter Marion Jones.
'There is clearly no place for binding in sport training' said Australia's Federal Sports Minister Rod Kemp in response.

Chairman Mark Successfully Fulfils Key Manifesto Pledge

Candles: No longer needed
Chairman of Barnet Copthall Swimming Club, Mark Reynolds, has announced that a key pledge from his manifesto has been successfully completed both on time and on budget.
When first elected Chairman Mark promised categorically to replace not just one, but all the incorrect filters in the main pool ceiling lights at Barnet Copthall Leisure Centre.
Once newly bathed in light Chairman Mark also went on to announce funding for the long-awaited CrossLane™ project. The groundbreaking initiative promises to substantially cut the journey time between lanes one and eight and is scheduled for completion by 2018.
An independent adjudicator, brought over from Canada, politely confirmed that 'those are definitely the best pool lights I've seen in all of Hampstead, I mean Hendon - whatever it's called. Thank you kindly.'

British Swimming to Clamp Down Hard on Behaviour of Masters


Wild things: Heart sing
Following similar moves by the Lawn Tennis Association and the England and Wales Cricket Board, British Swimming has vowed to improve the behaviour of masters swimmers.
A series of official statements have made it clear that actions such as skipping training sessions, drinking alcohol at major competitions, partying during training camps and engaging in sexual congress with other masters swimmers would now all be compulsory.
Many masters swimmers across the country have already agreed to abide by the new regulations. In addition, UptheBeavers editor Ivor Skrewkyk selflessly promised that both he and his website would 'help to the best of our ability wherever and whenever necessary'.

Risk of Asbestos Poisoning Forces Closure of Crystal Palace


Asbestos: Fun for all the family
The complicated process of removing potentially harmful asbestos has recently begun at the Crystal Palace National Sports Centre after traces of the dangerous substance were found.
Greenwich Leisure Limited, who are responsible for the running of both Crystal Palace and Barnet Copthall, said the discovery was made during a pre-inspection of the facility ahead of a £4 million regeneration scheme. That development has now been brought forward, resulting in the closure of parts of the centre, including the swimming pools, until June 2008.
'That explains why I swam so badly last time I was there! All this time I thought it was the smell of burgers.' said many more than just one masters swimmer upon hearing the news.

'Wellard' Woollard Quite Rightly Crowned Volunteer of the Year

'Wellard' Woollard: Winner
Ian 'Wellard' Woollard has been crowned London Swimming's 2007 Volunteer of the Year.
The Chief Coach of Barnet Copthall Masters was one of twelve winners to receive awards at the recent London Swimming Annual Council. According to an official statement 'Ian is knowledgeable and inspirational' adding 'he continues to compete and set a good example'.
Despite other categories including Teacher of the Year, Tutor of the Year and Regional Contributor of the year, somehow UptheBeavers.com inexplicably failed to win anything.
In the other categories Pro-Active West Region won Partner of the Year. 'They have been extremely pro-active' said the London Swimming Website, without any discernable irony.

Determined Carlos Successfully Avoids a Fresh Fresco Fiasco

Fresco: On message
Carlos 'Al' Fresco has finally fulfilled his longstanding ambition to swim the English channel.
After more than two years of dedicated training and one unsuccessful attempt, the ongoing determination of the Barnet Copthall Masters Swimmer eventually paid off as he completed the open water milestone in 13 hours 22 mins. The excellent effort was just under two hours behind that of occasional training partner and nemesis, Little Britain's David Walliams.
Almost immediately after the swim Carlos announced that next year he is hoping to 'attempt a two-way', although it is uncertain if this statement is connected to swimming in any way.
'I wanted to be there but something came up.' said Fresco's official spokesman Justin Black.
Roman Abramovich Makes Shock Move Into Masters Swimming

Roman: Empire
Multi-gazillionaire Russian oligarch and owner of Chelsea Football Club, Roman Abramovich has stunned the entire sporting world by expanding his empire into masters swimming.
Evidence of the 40 year-old oil baron's sporting expansion first came to light at this year's Barnet Copthall Masters Sprint Meet when national freestyle champion Mark Foster attended completely unexpectedly, competing for Chelsea and Kensington Swimming Club.
Foster, 135, was swimming in the first leg of his newly adopted team's freestyle relay. His time of 22.22 was a new short course Masters World Record and also a new pool record.
It is now expected that with Abramovich's backing Chelsea and Kensington will look to recruit a succession of high profile masters swimmers to their club. Pundits have suggested their targets include Jane Asher, Amanda Heath, Andi Manley, Duncan De Le McCreadie and The Derek Parr Rapid Reaction Force™.
Quite unsurprisingly Mr Abramovich was not available for comment. However, unnamed Russian officials have kindly promised to discuss the matter with UptheBeavers in great detail over a pot of tea at Itsu Restaurant next week.

El Sweeto Sensationally Quits in Sensational Quitting Sensation

Sweetenham: Sensational
Bill Sweetenham has sensationally quit as Britain’s National Performance Director.
In a surprise move, El Sweeto asked to be released from his contract with less than a year to go until the Olympics. The decision gives an immediate urgency to the highly publicised search for his successor, currently being undertaken by Kelvin 'Jack of All Trades' Juba.
So far Sweetenham has refused to be drawn on the precise reasons for his departure, instead he has simply said that it is 'for various reasons that will remain personal to myself'.
During his seven year reign as NPD the controversial Australian has been described as hard, abrasive, confrontational and uncompromising whilst his critics have been less kind.
'I believe that British Swimming can look forward to a great future with a tremendously talented group of athletes, coaches and staff. I wish everyone well for the future.' said Sweetenham, briefly forgetting to thank UptheBeavers.
Gold for London Swimmers at European Masters Championships

Copthall relay: Silver medals
The European Masters Championships in Swimming, Diving, Open Water Swimming and Syhchronised Swimming, taking place in Kranj, Slovenia have produced some excellent results for British swimmers, including a European title for Barnet Copthall Masters.
Competing in the 60 to 64 years age group, Elaine Blower finished first in the 800m. Silvers from Judy Alden and the women's 240 to 279 years relay team, plus two bronzes from Susie Breslin all helped to add to Barnet Copthall's overall total of nineteen top ten finishes.
In the other age groups a number of swimmers from the Otter Multinational Taskforce performed well in the individual events and their teams dominated many of the relays.
'There is much excitement in the Otter camp. Despite the relentless rain and outdoor venue.' said Otter captain and new 50m breaststroke champion Fifi Le Marché, on her way to becoming incoherent at Gina Hobson's thirtieth.
Attention will now inevitably turn to next April's World Masters Championships taking place in Perth, Australia.

Robinson and Rogers Tie the Knot in Third Wedding of the Year

The happy couple: Happy
The third Barnet Copthall wedding of the year has seen long standing Beaver Lucy Robinson tie the knot with Sharon Rogers in a Civil Partnership ceremony in Whetstone.
The star-studded ceremony at Haven bar and restaurant included many past and present members of Barnet Copthall Masters, along with the requisite number of friends and family.
However, amidst the partying, drinking and excellent sea bass a small but vocal number of guests were critical of the way certain aspects of the event had been conducted.
'We were closer with our guess in the Speech Sweepstake!' declared Sally Tuttmillerball.
'Everybody knows it doesn't count if it's under . . . or over . . . . or whatever. Look, I won and I should definitely know because it's my bloody watch!' said Matthew 'Swiss Timing' Robinson in response.
Australians Could Not Give a XXXX Over Thorpe Allegations

Thorpe: Shy and retiring
Retired swimming superstar Ian 'Thorepedo' Thorpe has been cleared of failing a drugs test.
The 24 year-old winner of five Olympic gold medals had recorded unusually high levels of two hormones during a random out of competition test back in May last year.
However, after many months of careful examination and deliberation the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority (ASADA) has announced that 'the evidence available does not indicate the use of performance enhancing substances', Thorpe definitely has 'no case to answer' and that it is now officially no longer necessary to continue to take the piss out of him.
'Experts from these internationally respected organisations were unanimous in their opinion that the evidence available does not indicate the use of performance enhancing substances by the athlete. Or to put in another way, L'Equipe can just go XXXX themselves.' said the ASADA in an official statement.

Rittenhouse Raises Over $25,000 at Long Island 10km


Rittenhouse: Champion
For the second successive year Barnet Copthall's John Rittenhouse has completed the Long Island Sands 10km swim as part of the Swim Across America charity swimming event.
Cheered on from a support boat by his family and escorted along the course in a kayak by his wife Elke, the 49 year-old completed the open water course in 2 hours 47 minutes.
Arguably even more important than the time, however, was the fact that in the process of Rittenhouse's successful attempt he impressively raised over $25,000 for cancer research.
Although Rittenhouse was careful to state that the event was without question certainly 'not a race' he also did quite rightly point out that he had finished indeed first. Again.
Alison Confirms That She Definitely Fancies MacDonald's

MacDonalds: Maldives bound
The second Barnet Copthall Masters wedding of the year has taken place with Alistair 'Chief Brody' MacDonald and Alison Whisker tying the knot at a ceremony in West Hendon.
The happy couple were joined at St John's Church by a wide assortment of close friends and family members. Unfortunately the recent Foot and Mouth outbreak meant Alistair's elderly uncle, Old MacDonald, was not able to attend as he had a farm, eee-aye eee-aye oh.
After the ceremony some surprise was expressed over the bride deciding to take her husband's name, despite eight out of ten of the congregation preferring Whisker. However, when asked how she was enjoying her new surname, Mrs MacDonald replied 'I'm lovin' it'.

Jamie Completes Epic Channel Crossing Before Carlos

Minter-Green: Having fun
Barnet Copthall Masters swimmer Jamie Minter-Green has joined the exclusive group of swimmers to have successfully completed an entire crossing of the English Channel.
Swimming for Mermaids for MS, and cheered on the whole way by coach and glutton for punishment Ian 'Wellard' Woollard, the distance specialist arrived on Wissant Beach in France 14 hours and 32 minutes after leaving Britain. In the process she raised thousands of pounds for the Multiple Sclerosis Society, with more donations pouring in all the time.
Meanwhile Copthall's other channel challenger, part-timer Carlos Al-Fresco, has been forced to delay his crossing once again after damaging his ribs whilst recently on holiday abroad .
'I'm really sorry. You won't believe this, but it was all Carlos's fault.' said his official spokesperson Justin Black.
Hartley Family Mixed Relay Team Plans Still Very Much Alive

Lucas: Probably
Leading members of Barnet Copthall Masters Becky and Duncan Hartley have celebrated the birth of their third child in under three years and their first boy, to the utter relief of many.
Lucas Robert Hartley, reportedly named after former Leeds United and South Africa's versatile defender Lucas Radebe, arrived weighing in at a personal best of 8lbs 1oz.
The arrival of a boy means the plan for a future family relay team is still very much on track. However, both Hartleys quickly made it clear there would be a wait for the next member.
‘I can assure you that we absolutely, definitely, without question will not be having another baby for at least eight and a half months!’ insisted a very insistent Duncan Hartley.

UptheBeavers Celebrates 5th Birthday with Sombre Reflection

The site: Previous incarnation
UptheBeavers, without question the UK's leading website for masters swimming, has celebrated the fifth anniversary of its launch with a prolonged period of sombre reflection.
Starting in 2002 as little more than the unfocussed, cluttered ramblings of a socially inept reprobate, the site has now found fans from as far a field as Potters Bar and Harpenden.
Since its first appearance the site has introduced an endless series of improvements, including adding a shop, starting a Facebook group and even a complete redesign in 2006.
However, despite these improvements, in just five short years the site has unwittingly offended everyone from senior figures in British Swimming such as ASA Commercial Director Katie 'It's simply not funny' Brazier to Barnet Copthall club secretary, Caroline 'Not sure about it at all' Foote.
'If I had a criticism it would be that over the last five years we've only received one piece of nude fan mail,' said UptheBeavers editor Ivor Skrewkyk, 'Over the next five years I want that number to rise significantly.' he added.
Foster Fostering Feelings of Further Fast Fly and Free

Foster: Still at it
Mark Foster has proved, yet again, that retirement is about much more than simply sending long, angry letters to the Daily Mail with victory at the ASA National Championships.
Foster, who turns 129 this year, won gold in both the 50m freestyle and the 50m butterfly at the event in Sheffield, finishing in his fastest time for over four years in the freestyle.
'I haven't done any training.' said Foster, like a true master, in an interview with the BBC.
So far the sprinter, who has occasionally been turning up to swim with Barnet Copthall Masters in recent weeks, has kept his precise plans for the future to himself. However, it is widely thought that competing at next year’s World Short Course Championships in Manchester and the Olympics in Beijing could both be possible goals. In answer to such speculation, Foster has made it clear that no decision will be made until after he has had a ‘quiet sit down and a nice cup of tea’.

Goodhew Becomes 'Clear Favourite' for Oscars Victory


Goodhew: Oscar Victory
Olympic gold medallist Duncan Goodhew MBE has been described as a 'clear favourite' for Academy Award success after his performance in a British Swimming promotional film.
The short film, entitled Everday Swim, was launched to promote the website of the same name but has quickly found high-profile fans from inside the film industry and beyond.
Respected film critic Mark Kermode described the breaststroker's performance as a 'cinematic tour de force'. He added that 'During the course of the film Goodhew moves effortlessly from stern authority to compassion before finishing with a light hearted chuckle. Come February I am absolutely certain we will see him adding a gold statue to his gold medal.'
New Records Set at Distance Meet Despite Poor Weather

Floods: Causing problems
Yet again, this year's Barnet Copthall Masters Distance Meet saw numerous records fall.
Despite widespread flooding leading to a breakdown of the very fabric of society in many parts of the UK, a strong field of masters swimmers still managed to brave the elements to attend the competition, which is now taking place for the 19th consecutive year.
Among the highlights was a new 25-29 years European record for Ealing's Paula Wood in the 800m freestyle with a further five British records set over the two days of competition. There were also a number of high quality times as many took the opportunity to swim in longer distance events to boost their points total in the ASA's new decathlon competition.
As always, a huge vote of thanks was due to all the friends and supporters who helped in the running of the meet. 'I'm off to Barbara Streisand - the tickets were definitely worth the money.' said one official in response.

UptheBeavers Joins Facebook in Well Thought Out Plan

Facebook: The future?
UptheBeavers has taken the bold decision to pilot a new designated group on Facebook.
The hope is that this new group will become a conduit for lively discussion and debate on all aspects of masters swimming whilst, at the same time, decimating vital information to masters swimmers across the UK. Everyone, and indeed anyone, has been invited to join.
'At UptheBeavers we recognise the fact that Facebook is about more than simply a quick and effective way of arranging meaningless sexual liasons with teenagers and, as such, we intend to embrace it.' said UptheBeavers Editor Ivor Skrewkyk in a written statement. 'I have no doubt that calling this group The UptheBeavers Appreciation Society will mean that only the highest calibre of individual joins in the social networking fun. What could possibly go wrong?' he added.
Swimming to the North Pole: Not Actually a Whole Lot of Fun

Pugh: Pugh, Barney McGrew
British swimming explorer and environmentalist Lewis Gordon Pugh has successfully swum 1000m to the North Pole in order to highlight the dangers of global climate change.
Lasting nearly 19 minutes in Arctic waters, Pugh's swim is thought to have taken place in the coldest waters a human has ever swum in, colder even than Copthall on a Tuesday.
The swim was conducted under Channel Swimming Rules, meaning that only one cap, a pair of goggles and a pair of trunks were allowed. Wetsuits and drysuits were both banned.
Almost entirely unsurprisingly, the London-based swimmer was not wholly complimentary when describing the overall experience. 'The pain was immediate and felt like my body was on fire. I was in excruciating pain from beginning to end.' said the ambassador for the World Wide Fund for Nature, nicknamed 'The Ice Bear' by those with only a rudimentary knowledge of zoology.

Apple Announces Plans for Range of Swimming Trunks

iTrunks™: Highly anticipated
Apple has surprised many analysts by announcing plans for a range of swimming trunks.
Rumours of the iTrunks™ had been circulating for some time, but the official confirmation came only days after Apple's iPhone™ was released in the United States and marks the Californian technology company's first foray into the lucrative sports clothing business.
Thanks to both its cutting edge designs and a legion of unquestioning devotees, Apple hopes the iTrunks™ will build on the success it has enjoyed with its iconic iMac™ and iPod™.
Steve Jobs, Chief Executive Officer of Apple, announced that 'thanks to their unique design, the iTrunks™ will revolutionise the way everybody looks at you when you are swimming'.
Apple has confirmed that the iTrunks™ will initially be available with a 40 gigabyte or 80 gigabyte capacity but will not be compatible with personal computers running any versions of the Microsoft Windows operating system.
Woollard Flatly Refuses to Bow to Postal Union Intimidation

Scargill: Not actually involved
As the country braces itself for a national postal strike, Ian 'Wellard' Woollard has vowed that the Barnet Copthall Masters Distance Meet will not be held to ransom by the unions.
The 24-hour strike is set to take place on 29th June. It has been organised by the Communication Workers Union and is their first nationwide industrial action since 1996.
The expected disruption to postal services had the potential to create problems for Copthall's competition, the entries for which were scheduled to close on that day, but in a strongly worded statement organiser Woollard vehemently announced that 'We'll just keep accepting entries until next week or something. Let's say we'll now close on the 6th July.'
Royal Mail chief executive Adam Crozier said the organisation was 'very disappointed' but it was unclear if he was speaking with specific reference to Woollard's decision or just referring to a more general malaise.

Middlesex Swimming Competition Fails to Pull in the Crowds

No outdoor shoes
While 177,500 people enjoyed the Glastonbury Festival in Somerset, the Middlesex Masters Competition struggled to pull crowds of a similar size to the Southbury Road Leisure Centre.
The competition had managed to attract some exciting headline acts including Camden Swiss Cottage’s Laura Hobbs swimming the 50m backstroke not once but twice, Out to Swim running out of letters for their relay teams, Copthall’s Joe Twyman taking part in a full 200m freestyle and everyone from the Otter Multinational Taskforce swimming every event.
However, despite such an assortment of headliners the large crowds failed to materialise.
Reports suggest a plan of action for improving attendance next year is already well underway, building on the sterling efforts of this year's organisers. 'Proximity to the nationals may have been important, but I don’t think the absence of Shirley Bassey was a factor.' said MCASA's Steve 'Brattman' Bratt.
Magnificent Seven Win Gold at Long Course Nationals

Reynolds: Moves fast
This year's British Long Course Masters Championships in Manchester have ended with a magnificent seven swimmers returning home to Barnet Copthall as national champions.
Elaine Blower, Lisa Dawson, Walter Lief, David Pitcock, Duncan Hartley, John Rittenhouse and Mark Reynolds helped bring the Beavers' total to 16 golds, 10 silvers and 8 bronze in the individual events with a further two golds, three silvers and a bronze coming in relays.
On his way to gold, and in his final year in 40-44 years age group, 'Chairman' Mark Reynolds set new British records in both the 100m and 200m freestyle. 'I would have won another gold if Joe hadn't pissed around on the relay!' exclaimed a delighted Reynolds, repeatedly.
In total two World, eight European and twenty British records were broken by competitors over the weekend.

Amanda Beard Playboy Appearance Fails to Live Up to Hype

Beard: Beard
Widely respected academic journal Playboy has quickly moved to clarify the situation regarding the appearance of American swimmer Amanda Beard in its July edition.
It had been widely reported that the reigning 200m breaststroke Olympic champion had posed naked for both the cover and a pictorial, but this now appears not to be the case.
Instead, Playboy announced that a misunderstanding had arisen and that in actual fact it would be 'a man and a beard' appearing naked. They apologised for any confusion caused.
Shy and retiring Beard, 25, has previously been seen striking poses in both FHM and Sports Illustrated but a Playboy appearance would have been the first time she had appeared, in what industry professionals describe as, 'completely starkers'. 'When they see me they're either shocked that I'm not older or shocked that I'm not still 14.' Beard rather worryingly pointed out on her official website.
London Olympics Logo an Absolute Bargain at Only £400,000

Logo: Swastika / sex act?
The official logo for the 2012 Olympics Games in London has been unveiled to the world.
The logo, produced by the Charles, Wonder & Keller Design Consultancy, is said to encompass ‘the vision at the very heart of our brand’ according to organising committee chairman Lord Sebastian ‘Lord of the Rings’ Coe. ‘It is an invitation to take part and be involved.’ vociferously insisted the former double Olympic champion to a stunned audience.
Despite a reported cost of £400,000, the design has met with a lukewarm reaction from members of the public with comments ranging from ‘It looks like Lisa Simpson performing a sex act’ to ‘It looks like a broken swastika’. Critics, however, have been less kind.
An expert in marketing and public opinion research, who asked to remain anonymous, told UptheBeavers that ‘this is what happens when you go against common sense and pick the wrong people to do your market research’.
Despite an initial widespread outpouring of negativity there have been some unequivocally positive comments from some quarters. ‘Well I think it’s absolutely fantastic!’ said former cabinet minister David Blunkett.

£5 Million Made Available to Hire 'World Class' Coaching Staff

Touretski: The new El Sweeto?
The elite coaching budget for British Swimming is set to be tripled to £5 million as the organisation prepares to splash the cash in the run-up to the London Olympics in 2012.
News reports have suggested that British Swimming's Chiefly Executive David 'Sparkles' Sparkes has enlisted the help of Kelvin 'Jack of All Trades' Juba to scout across Australia, the United States, Europe and beyond in search of six 'word class' coaches to head up new 'world class' performance centres to be built and developed right across the country.
The coaches would each be paid between £150,000 and £200,000 a year with one of them replacing Bill Sweetenham who is retiring to a consultancy role after 2008. Leading figures said to have already been approached include Alex Popov's coach Gennadi Touretski from Russia, coach of Libby Lenton and Leisel Jones Stephen Widmer and Peter Banks, coach of US triple Olympic champion Brooke Bennett.
As yet Barnet Copthall masters coach Ian 'Wellard' Woollard has still to be approached, but he remains 'hopeful'.
New British Masters Decathlon Website Launched by ASA

Thompson: Not participating
A new website has been launched by the Amateur Swimming Association providing full details and results from the recently developed British Swimming Masters Decathlon.
The competition has been possible thanks to the sterling efforts of Master Statistician David Chaney who uses a combination of mathematics and witchcraft to calculate the scores.
Titans of masters Jane Asher and Monsieur Duncan De La McCreadie headed the rankings for 2006, with many other familiar names also making the top ten including Willy Van Rysel, Simon Veale, Gina 'Strawberry Blonde' Hobson and The Derek Parr Rapid Reaction Force™.
Despite the publicity, some masters swimmers have questioned exactly how the points total is calculated but a spokesperson for British Swimming was quick to respond. 'It's done using, you know, adjusted times and groups and different events and what not.' confirmed the spokesperson in no uncertain terms.
The competition includes events such as the 100m, 1500m and the javelin and, unusually, points really do make prizes with unconfirmed reports of cash awards for those finishing at the top and bottles of Lucozade for others.
Bill Sweetenham Launches Exclusive New Fragrance Range

Eau De Chlorine: New
British Swimming's National Performance Director Bill 'El Sweeto' Sweethenham is following in the footsteps of celebrities such as football superstar David Beckham and educationally subnormal racist Jade Goody by launching his own exclusive range of fragrances.
Extensive promotional material for the Australian’s new range, named Eau de Chlorine, describes the unisex fragrances as having a 'sharp, fresh and cleansing bouquet' with 'complex, interlaced base tones of chlorine, bromine, sulphur, algaecide and ph regulators'.
Sweetenham himself said that he did not believe he would need to rely on his fame to boost sales, saying that the fragrances 'captured the true essence of competing in the pool'.
Tony Blair 'First and Only Choice' to Lead the ASA

Blair: Time on his hands
Senior sources at the Amateur Swimming Association have suggested that a move will shortly be made to appoint The Rt Hon Tony Blair MP as the new Chief Executive of the ASA.
Since announcing his retirement from his position as Prime Minister and leader of the Labour Party there has been much speculation over Blair's future role. It had been suggested that a lucrative career on the after dinner speaking circuit would be most likely, but privately the ASA hope that their offer will be simply too tempting for the 54 year-old to refuse.
Despite winning three consecutive general elections it is certain that delivering gold in the pool at the next Olympics would go down as Blair's most important achievement.
So far the current ASA Chief Executive David 'Sparkles' Sparkes has refused to publicly comment on the speculation surrounding his future, though privately he is said to be to be 'oh so delighted' by the recent developments.
Wedding Marks Start of Shaila's New Life On Marsden

The Bride and Groom
Barnet Copthall Masters swimmer and entertainment industry svengali Simon Marsden has married his girlfriend Shaila Rathod at a ceremony in St Peter's Church, St Albans.
Attending the reception at Moor Park Golf Club were a number of current and former members of Barnet Copthall Masters. These included, from Lausanne, the Swiss Family Robinson with head of the family Matthew Robinson visiting with his freshly dyed hair.
The happy couple now leave for a honeymoon in Saint Lucia. Following detailed comments made during the Best Man's speech, Simon hopes to use his free time in the Caribbean to both relax and begin training in a bid to eventually swim under a minute for 100m freestyle.
Chairman Mark and Barnet Copthall Both on Top of the World

Reynolds: Ecstatic
The recently published FINA World Masters Rankings for 2006 have shown Barnet Copthall Chairman Mark Reynolds ranked number one in the world for short course 200m freestyle.
His time of 1:58.11 placed him at the top of the 40 to 44 years age group. Reynolds then featured at number one again as part of the Barnet Copthall 160 - 199 years 4 x 50m freestyle team, along with team-mates Jim Hobsley, Mike Fibbens and Sean McQuaid.
Nineteen other British masters swimmers made it to the number one position in last year's short course rankings, with a further ten featuring at the top of the long course rankings.
'Hang on a minute! What exactly do you mean when you say that I have to share a room with Joe in La Santa?' said Chairman Mark in reaction to the good news, whilst lovingly stroking his new DB9.
Copthall's Blazing Strokes Lead to Victory in Basingstoke

Ball: Blazing
Barnet Copthall have won the Top Team trophy at the Basingstoke Fast Water Meet.
For the first time the collection of regular competitors were joined, on this occasion, by Natalie Bateson and her elite LWL Squad to add strength and depth to the Copthall team.
This victory is the fifth time that The Beavers have won the trophy in the last seven years.
Many of those present will now travel to Club La Santa in Lanzarote for a training week in final preparation for the national championships in Manchester at the beginning of June.
'I think I've broken both my ankles and my tailbone on that bloody flume ride' said one unnamed Barnet Copthall swimmer whilst the presentation of the trophy was taking place.
King Kevin Moves Into Kitchen to Win Ready Steady Cook

Harriott: What is he like?
King of the Channel, His Royal Highness Kevin Murphy has demonstrated to the nation that there is no end to his talents by winning a channel swimmers' edition of Ready Steady Cook.
King Kevin, who describes himself as being 'very good at porridge', was assisted by chef Paul Rankin in his victory over fellow swimmer, Queen of the Channel Alison Streeter MBE.
The Barnet Copthall swimmer spent £7.51 on the eclectic combination of rump steak, prunes, green beans, Stilton and sweet potato. Twenty minutes later the was turned into beef curry with lemon and sweet potato mash; green bean salad with stilton crouton; green bean tempura; steak sandwich with herb and blue cheese butter, caramelised onions and sweet potato crisp; stuffed prunes with Stilton and a controversial prune and orange upside down sponge.
Such was the scale of his victory, King Kevin has now promised to cater the annual Masters Christmas Dinner.
FINA Launches Inquiry Into Canadian Masters Claims

Vanderby: Pensive
FINA has launched an inquiry after an undercover investigation by UptheBeavers revealed unsubstantiated claims were being made by a masters swimming club in Canada.
Acting on a tip off, a reporter from UptheBeavers was able to completely avoid detection and secretly infiltrate North Toronto Masters. He found that an unnamed official used the start of a training session to publicly describe the club as the 'best in Canada, if not the world'.
This controversial, and so far unproven claim has raised eyebrows amongst masters teams in both Canada and Britain, leading to the involvement of swimming's world governing body.
North Toronto are lead by 'Head Kangaroo' Doug Vanderby and coached by, amongst others, Commonwealth Games butterfly medallist, and expert impersonator of British accents, Jen 'Dick Van Dyke' Button.
Sources within the team suggest their enormous self-belief is the result of a dedicated training programme including land training, fast 200m turnarounds and a top secret project known simply by the codename Beef Knish.
Despite the evidence presented, a spokesperson for FINA stressed that it was important not to jump to conclusions at this early stage in the inquiry. 'You know Canadians, they were probably just being polite.' he said.
Australia Declares War on France Over Thorpe Allegations

Thorpe: 'I never cheated.'
Australia has declared war on France after French newspaper L'Equipe (C'est Chic) reported that retired swimming superstar Ian Thorpe had recorded 'abnormal levels' of two banned substances during a routine Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority drugs test last May.
The 24 year-old, five-time Olympic champion has strongly protested his innocence, leaving a military strike as the only reasonable option remaining to the Australian government.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair, a huge fan of swimming, has already pledged to support Australia in their action. 'We stand shoulder to shoulder with our Commonwealth allies in this fair and just crusade. Besides, nearly 300 years is far too long to have to wait for another fight with the French. Maybe they'll just surrender quickly, again.' he diplomatically announced.
Jim Fixes it Again: It's a Boy for Hobsley and Brooks

Cameron: Too obvious
Jim Hobsley and Helen Brooks have given birth to their second child, a son named Cameron.
The couple have gone to great lengths to strongly deny initial reports that their son was named after the winner of Channel 4's Big Brother IV, Cameron Stout, insisting instead that he was named after new and oh-so-exciting Conservative Party leader David Cameron.
The child arrived fit and healthy, weighing in at 6lbs 11oz. This beat the couple's previous personal best by nearly a pound, but is still some way behind the club record. Attention will now inevitably turn to the Hartley family and their third challenge to Ella Milne's mark.
'He was definitely good enough to go.' said Hobsley in reference to an unrelated matter.
British Swimming Left With A Lot to Do Before Beijing

Tancock: Bronze pair
The British swimming team has left the World Swimming Championships with an improved medal total but with still a great deal of work to do before the Olympics in Beijing next year.
After strong performances last year in both the Commonwealth Games and the European Championships morale was said to be high going into the competition in Australia.
However, despite the promise of an automatic Olympic place for those finishing in the top four, the British team once again found that places on the podium were difficult to come by.
Liam Tancock continued to bolster his growing reputation with bronze in both the 50m and 100m backstroke, while Kirsty Balfour's silver in the 200m breaststroke and David Davies injury effected bronze in the 1500m freestyle also showed promise for possible Olympic medals in 2008.
Naturally a number of ideas for increasingly Britain's medal count at international meets have been forthcoming. Mark Foster, 112, has encouraged Britain's top swimmers and coaches to go to the United States and learn from them, while Sharron Davies, 34D, has suggested Britain needs to 'raise the bar in Beijing'. In contrast, former middle distance runner Steve Cram believes that the key to success in swimming lies with cycling.
"In our key events this meet has shown we are still where we want to be but there are areas that we need to look at, evaluate and improve on." said Britain's National Performance Director Bill 'El Sweeto' Sweethenham.
Crocker Comes a Cropper to Deny Phelps Eighth World Gold

The pair during happier times
The World Swimming Championships in Melbourne have ended with Michael Phelps missing out on eight gold medals after a mistake by team-mate Ian Crocker in the medley relay.
Phelps will instead have to somehow console himself with just the seven world titles to go with his systematic annihilation of world records across the eight days of competition.
Although the championships witnessed a number of memorable performances, there is no doubt that overall it was dominated by an American team that went home with 20 gold medals, won over half the Olympic events and set eleven of the fourteen new world records.
Despite his success Phelps, who is clearly not pissing around, has emphasised that he will not be resting on his laurels, promising instead to continue to 'fight for truth, justice and the American Way™'.
Exercise Prevents Obesity Says Report into Bleeding Obvious

Obesity: Growing problem
A major new report has found that as little as 15 minutes of 'brisk activity' each day can have a range of health benefits including significantly reducing the risk of obesity in children.
Data from over 5,500 children was studied by academics from universities in Britain and the US, with the report's findings producing surprise and amazement amongst very few people.
The team's next project is an investigation to ascertain if Pope Benedict XVI is a Roman Catholic, followed by a study to find whether or not bears defecate in areas of woodland.
'Well that was certainly money well spent and no mistake.' said both the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute and the Wellcome Trust who jointly funded the study.
Cost of London Olympics Finally Set at a 'Gazillion' Pounds

Jowell: Not so happy now
After months of rumours and speculation the government and Olympic Development Agency has confirmed that the cost of the 2012 London Olympic games will be a gazillion pounds.
This revised figure represents a substantial increase on the 'prudent' budget estimate of £2.4 billion contained in the original bid document, but includes a £2.7bn contingency fund.
Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell said that £500 million of this contingency fund would be given to the ODA but the remainder would be 'locked away'. She would not elaborate on where.
However, some sources from within the government have criticised the plans and have cast doubt on the budget, suggesting the final figure may well be closer to a squillion pounds.
'Even though I was always picked last during games I still know when something is a waste of money.' said one government insider. 'For that amount of investment we could buy almost half a new submarine-based nuclear defence system to protect ourselves against the never-ending threat of the Ruskies and the Warsaw Pact'.
World of Sport Rocked Again by Latest Drugs Scandal

World of Sport: Rocked
Nine years after the Chinese swimming team was embroiled in controversy at an Australian airport, the world of sport has again been rocked by a similar drugs scandal.
American boxer Rocky 'The Italian Stallion' Balboa has been charged with importing Jintropin, a human growth hormone, into Australia after customs officials discovered 48 vials of the banned substance in his luggage at Sydney Airport. The ex-heavyweight champion of the woooooooorld had been visiting Sydney to promote his new film Sly, where he plays an ageing former actor named Sylvester Stallone who desperately tries to rekindle past glories.
Balboa, 189, had been an inspiration to masters swimmers thanks to his continued success in the ring, in spite of his ever increasing age and waistline. However, this new development suggests that success may have been due to something more than simply running up steps, running on sand and punching frozen meat.
'Mer nuff schmunge van dup mmm unymunm wamma der Adrian! Adrian!' said Mr Balboa in a prepared statement.
UK Sport Launches Sport for Tall Policy to Boost 2012 Games

Height: Advantageous
UK Sport has launched a search for tall athletes ahead of the London 2012 Olympic Games.
Rowing legend Sir Steve Redgrave was joined by slightly less legendary Minister for Sport Richard 'Dickie' Caborn to announce the initiative that is initially aimed at boosting participation in the Olympic sports of rowing, volleyball and handball. Other similar Olympic sports where height is seen as providing a distinct advantage may be added in the future.
Anyone aged between 16 and 25 is encouraged to apply for the scheme, rather cleverly named Sporting Giants, providing they are a male over 6' 3" in height or a female over 5' 11".
As an organisation always committed to equal opportunities, UK Sport is also launching a search for vertically challenged athletes entitled Sporting Midgets. Through this alternative initiative men under 5' 1" and women under 4' 9" will be encouraged to participate in horse racing, gymnastics, pantomime or the circus. However, rowing will also benefit as, according to a recent UK Sport announcement, 'some smaller men can be cox'.
New Shower System Provides Welcome Relief for Swimmers

Shower users: Delighted
A new shower system has been installed at Barnet Copthall, to the delight of pool users.
For many months public swimmers and club members alike have had to cope with cold water temperatures and showers that were unable to stay on for more than a few seconds.
However, the new, technologically advanced, state-of-the-art Golden Shower™ system brings an end to such discomfort. Obviously it does not mean that all showers will actually stay on and be an appropriate temperature, but it does ensure that some randomly selected showers will be an appropriate temperature, while others will now be configured to stay on.
'The Golden Shower™ really has made a big difference.' said one Barnet Copthall swimmer.
Speedo Launches 'Revolutionary' New Excuse to Spend Money

FS-Pro: Almost unrecognisable
Leading swimwear brand Speedo has launched a new range of elite swimming costumes.
The new FS-Pro suits, available in any colour as long as it is black or navy, are described as 'the fastest and most powerful lightweight swim suit on the market' and replace the FSII, which was previously 'the fastest and most powerful lightweight swim suit on the market'.
Fastskin FS-Pro was developed in Nottingham using computer modelling and engineering incorporating data from the 3D body scans of hundreds of elite international swimmers.
Speedo claims the result of this Computational Fluid Dynamics (CFD) is LZR Pulse™, a water repellent, lightweight, high density fabric that has 15% more compression, improved core stability, lower 'surface friction drag', lower 'overall passive drag' and greater 'gonad inertia dampening' than FSII.
A completely impartial Michael Phelps said 'The combination of the lightweight fabric and the speed it gives me make the Speedo Fastskin FS-Pro feel like a second skin. I'd wear it even if they weren't paying me $9 million.'
So far FS-Pro is only available as legskins and jammers for men and kneeskins and body suits for women, but a full range will be available for elite swimmers by 17th March, in time for the World Championships in Melbourne.
As with previous Fastskin designs, this latest incarnation is likely to be very popular with masters swimmers desperately searching for the most technically advanced way to tuck themselves in before competitions.
Lakes in Finland Found to Be Surprisingly Cold During February

Crystal balls: Side effect
As snow and icy temperatures swept across the British Isles a number of British swimmers were accused of 'reckless stupidity' and 'complete lunacy' after deciding to take part in the