20th Anniversary Celebration Leads to 20 year Hangover

Trigger: Prize Winner
Barnet Copthall Masters have celebrated their 20th anniversary with a special Christmas celebration and coordinated drinking competition.
The evening included the usual mix of award presentations, aggressive heckling, bitter disappointment, questionable photographs and drunkenness.
This year's top awards went to Jeannette Benn, Mark Reynolds and Simon Marsden. Top Beaver went to Donald 'The Don' Payne.
Details of who won the drinking competition are said to be 'sketchy at best'.
'I love you! You're my best mate!' said more than one squad member.
Mock Executions 'Inappropriate' Concede Australians

Karunaratne: Mock Victim
It has been revealed that some Australia-based swimmers were forced to endure 'mock executions' at a recent training camp in Melbourne.
The incidents came to light when photographs of the those taking part, including Sri Lanka's Arun Karunaratne, were made public.
The coach responsible, Rohan Taylor, offered assurances that he would not be using the same techniques again. 'We were all laughing at the time, but the pictures do not present well.' he astutely observed.
'There is clearly no place for mock executions in sport training' said Australia's Federal Sports Minister Rod Kemp in response.
Ian Woollard has subsequently admitted that he is often tempted by the thought of incorporating executions into training regimes at Barnet Copthall.
Foster Secures Gold at European Short Course

Foster: Gold (Again)
Mark Foster has won gold in the 50m freestyle at the European Short Course Swimming Championships in Trieste, Italy.
Over the four days of competition the Bath swimmer then added a silver in the 50m butterfly and two relay bronze medals to his tally.
Foster, 75, said that he 'didn't warm up for the semi finals' of the 50m freestyle. However, he added that his time of 21.27 in the final was ‘the fastest I’ve swum in four years’.
Britain won a total of one gold, three silvers and four bronze medals. 15 British records and 84 personal bests were broken in the process.
Speedo Decides to Branch Out into Festive Winter Apparel

Ice: Word to Your Mother
Leading swimwear manufacturer Speedo has announced that it will be branching out into winter sports from 2006.
The company’s first step will be to provide new Fastskin FSII ‘Ice Suits’ for a number of US competitors in the bobsled at the Winter Olympics in Turin.
It is not known what direct benefits the new $500 ice suits will provide for swimmers. Despite this, many of those planning to take part in the UK’s inaugural Cold Water Swimming Championships have already expressed an 'urgent need' for more information.
Huge Surprise as Olympic Pool Plans are Scaled Down

Pool Plans: Revised
Olympics Minister Tessa 'The Scowl' Jowell has announced that a scaling back of the plans for the London Aquatic Centre will be necessary.
The original ‘lavish designs’ for the London 2012 Olympic venue have been abandoned after the original budget of £75 million doubled. This increase was reported to have been caused by an unidentified ‘specification change’.
In response David 'Sparkles' Sparkes reiterated that the ASA would be 'defending the facilities, which are inside the building.'
He added 'we currently have the facilities of a Third World country', but was unclear about when that country would be asking for their facilities back.
Athletes Become Latest to Release Charity Calendar

Pool Versus Track
Following the British swimming team, top athletes from the British women’s track and field team have released their own charity calendar.
The calendar, featuring stars including Jade Johnson and Donna Fraser, will raise money for breast cancer, bowel cancer and meningitis charities as well as the Ron Pickering Memorial Fund.
Both the ASA and AAA issued a joint statement rejecting a suggestion from UptheBeavers to release a joint calendar next year, provisionally entitled When Girls from Swimming and Athletics Get Naked and Mud Wrestle.
Coach Woollard Elected President of Middlesex ASA

IWW: Full Ceremonial Dress
Ian ‘Wellard’ Woollard has been unanimously elected president of the Middlesex County Amateur Swimming Association.
President Wellard, or IWW as he will surely now be known, announced during his inauguration speech that he will continue in his role as coach of Barnet Copthall Masters. He also added that Middlesex swimmers should ‘ask not what the Barnet Copthall 1500 meet can do for you, but what you can do for the Barnet Copthall 1500 meet.'
Under the terms of his new office, IWW will remain in his position until he finds himself either bored or assassinated.
Club Rejoices as Chairman Mark becomes New Leader

The New Pool Entrance
Barnet Copthall Masters Swimmer Mark ‘Butch’ Reynolds has become the new chairman of Barnet Copthall Swimming Club.
Chairman Mark, who set three new individual British records at this year's National Masters Championships, replaces Mike Lloyd.
His rise to power was particularly popular amongst the masters squad, but Chairman Mark has already stated that all squads will benefit equally from the 'Great Leap Forward' that he hopes will now take place.
So as to better understand their new leader, all members of the swimming club will be required to carry a copy of Chairman Mark's Little Red Log Book.
Controversial Champs Controversially End in Controversy

Controversial
This year's Southern Counties Inter-Counties Championships have ended in controversial fashion with Sussex and Hampshire finishing in joint first place.
The decision to hold the competition in the long course pool at Aldershot had already provoked strong opinion amongst some competitors, but more trouble was to follow when the overall result was changed after two recounts.
The Middlesex team, which included a small group of swimmers from Barnet Copthall, came in a respectable third.
After the final result was announced, a spokesperson for the Hampshire squad told UptheBeavers 'I'm starving. Can we go and get some food now?'
Olympic Cyclist Latest Person to Criticise Sweethenham

Wiggins: Make His a Triple
Olympic cyclist Bradley Wiggins has become the lastest person to criticise ASA National Performance Director Bill 'El Sweeto' Sweetenham.
Wiggins, who won a gold, silver and bronze medal in Athens though no medals in diplomacy, told the BBC that 'Sweetenham caused such a stir because it was just some fat bloke from Australia'.
He said that his training with fellow Olympian Chris Boardman was useful because the 1992 gold medalist made him think 'this guy's done it, he knows what he's talking about' but that 'it's different with say Bill Sweetenham'.
Neither El Sweeto nor any fat Australians were available for comment.
Sexual Prowess of Masters Swimmers Finally Recognised

The Joy of Sex
The Times newspaper has reported that masters swimming can ‘bring new depth to your sex life’.
Confirming what many masters already frequently acknowledge, the article drew attention to academic research from the University of Harvard and the University of Arkansas. Both studies showed ‘swimmers enjoyed their sex lives far more than their equivalent age groups among non-swimmers’.
This evidence is in stark contrast to a leaked ASA report on performance that concluded masters swimmers can 'last for anything up to six minutes but then have to stop and rest for three hours before starting again'.
Kevin and Shelley Announce 'It is Time for a New Lief'

Jake: Newest Arrival
Kevin and Shelley Lief have celebrated the arrival of the latest member of the Barnet Copthall Masters Supporters Club (Junior Section).
New baby Jake Lief weighed in at 8lbs 10oz, just short of Ella Milne's club record set earlier in the year.
The whole family was said to be delighted, with father Kevin strongly denying he had previously said that 'If I'd known he was going to turn up that late I would have gone to the Nationals'.
The club will now have to wait until the new year to see if Ella's record can be broken by the Hartley Family at the second attempt.
Reynolds Rewrites Records with Hat-trick in Sheffield

The 160+ Relay Champions
Barnet Copthall’s Mark ‘Butch’ Reynolds dominated the freestyle events at this year’s ASA National Masters Swimming Championships, breaking three individual British Records and adding a relay record for good measure.
The D age group swimmer, wearing his own FSII suit, set records in the 50m, 100m and 200m freestyle. He then joined with Duncan Hartley, Sean McQuaid and Jim Hobsley to add a fourth British record to his total when Barnet Copthall won the men’s 160+ 4 x 50m freestyle relay.
On top of the team record the first leg, swum by Jim Hobsley, was fast enough to set an individual 50m freestyle British record for the E age group.
ASA Turns to Talbot, Harris, Everage, Bush Kangaroo

Can you tell who it is yet?
Former Australian National Head Coach Don Talbot has agreed to join British Swimming in a consultancy role.
In addition to the legendary International Swimming Hall of Fame Inductee, the ASA have also secured the services of fellow Australians Rolf Harris, Dame Edna Everage and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo - all to help boost the performance of Britain’s elite swimmers at the 2008 Olympics and beyond.
Skippy, speaking through an interpreter on behalf of the group, said that all four were ‘united behind the common goal of taking British Swimming forward’ before urgently adding that ‘Little Tim is trapped down the old well’.
Entry Form Narrowly Loses Out on Booker Prize

Entry Form: Gripping
The entry form for the upcoming ASA National Masters Championships has narrowly failed to win this year’s Man Booker Prize.
The document, first published in July and containing over 2,500 words, was praised for its 'gripping' plot and 'interesting' structure.
However, the Booker's expert panel of judges felt that it was let down by not including nearly enough space for an e-mail address and a glaringly incorrect use of ‘i.e.’ in the nationality section.
The entry fee of £8 per event was also said to be ‘wildly unrealistic’.
Two More British Swimmers Announce Defection

Hair Today: Gone Tomorrow
Two more elite swimmers have joined Zoe Baker in defecting from Britain.
Athens semi-finalist Robin Francis is switching to South Africa, while former World Championship bronze medallist Jo Fargus joins Australia. Both swimmers cited ‘family ties and lifestyle’ as justification for their decisions.
Despite their change in allegiance, ASA Chief David ‘Sparkles’ Sparkes explained that Fargus and Francis would have difficulty competing for their newly adopted countries at major championships as the IOC ‘don't take kindly to Bulgarians becoming Arabs’.
He was unwilling, however, to be drawn on which of the two swimmers is either Bulagarian or from Arabia.
Regionalisation Leads to Widespread Overexcitement

Regionalisation: Woo Hoo!
Exciting changes to the regional structure of British Swimming have taken place, leading to euphoric scenes up and down the country.
Regionalisation, described by the ASA as 'one of the biggest transformations in 136 years', means that the old five district national structure will be replaced by an incredible eight new regions.
It has also been announced that reading the full details of regionalisation can, in an emergency, provide a very powerful, and yet cost effective, alternative to a general aesthetic.
Southern Counties Gold Reserves 'Exhausted'

Gold: Gold!
The Southern Counties Masters Short Course Championships were almost thrown into chaos after it was announced that the organisation’s gold reserves had been ‘completely exhausted’.
Although silver and bronze medals both remained in plentiful supply, gold medals were said to have run out midway through the second session.
A spokesperson for the competition organisers said that there was ‘absolutely no way anyone could predict the number of gold medals that would be needed – apart from by counting the events, obviously.’
ASA to Investigate Sweetenham Bullying Claims

Just One Last Thing
British Swimming has announced that it is to launch an inquiry into recent claims of bullying made against Bill ‘El Sweeto’ Sweetenham.
So far the ASA have not revealed full details of the investigation, but UptheBeavers has discovered that the inquiry is to be lead by Lieutenant Columbo of the Los Angeles Police Department.
Columbo is no stranger to high profile cases, having previously uncovered the murderous plans of a number of celebrities, including William Shatner.
The Lieutenant confirmed that although he is not particularly knowledgeable about swimming, his wife, Mrs. Columbo, is ‘a really big fan’.
Stephen Parry Talks Exclusively to UptheBeavers

Parry and Hartley
Olympic bronze medallist Stephen Parry has spoken to UptheBeavers about life after competitive swimming.
The swimmer, who retired after the Athens Olympics, was interviewed by Beavers reporter Caitlin Hartley during a recent visit to Loughbrough.
Chief among his plans for the future is the development of a new website, TotalSwimming.co.uk. The 28 year-old also hopes to continue with his media work after a very successful spell as expert pundit for the BBC during the recent World Swimming Championships.
Click here if you are also sufficiently famous enough to be interviewed.
Copthall Swimmer Completes 33rd Channel Crossing

Murphy: Not Bitter
Barnet Copthall Masters swimmer Kevin Murphy has completed his 33rd crossing of the English Channel.
Murphy, who swam his first long distance event at the age of 15, finished the swim in 13 hours 35 minutes. The superhuman effort means he now draws level, in terms of number of channel crossings, with rival King of the Channel, and former EastEnders stalwart, Mike Read.
Just in case there was any doubt about whether the swim was impressive enough, it comes just 18 months after major shoulder surgery.
Great Sportsmanship Shown at Sprint Meet

Copthall: Sportsmanship
This year’s Barnet Copthall Sprint Meet will long be remembered for the tremendous act of sportsmanship performed by one Copthall relay team.
Just before the 240-279 years mixed freestyle relay the Copthall team, lead off by Bruce ‘Daley’ Thompson, generously decided to give Willy Van Rysel, and her teammates from Spencer, a head start of approximately seven seconds.
However, thanks to four strong swims, the Beavers did still manage to finish ahead of their south London rivals.
'I wanted to be absolutely sure I didn't do a flyer.' said Thompson.
Olympic Swimmers Unite for Charity - Can You Help?

Can you help?
Members of the Athens Olympic swimming team are coming together for a charity calendar to raise money for breast cancer research.
Swimmers Sarah Price, Julie Gibson and Pippa Jones are specifically looking for uplifting quotes from people who have been affected by breast cancer and have been involved in swimming.
These can be from people who have beaten the disease, for example, or they can be dedications from clubs. They will then be used in the final calendar.
If you are able to provide such a quote, or perhaps know someone who might, then please e-mail Julie Gibson directly.
Bill Sweethenham Launches New Exercise Video

Available from all good shops
National Performance Director Bill Sweetenham has become the latest in a long line of celebrities to launch their own keep fit video.
Entitled Get Off Your Arse! with Bill Sweetenham, the fitness routines utilise the Australian's unique motivational skills to help people look and feel great.
Since launching, sales of both the DVD and VHS versions have been significantly higher than the ASA had orginally hoped for.
This surprising increase in sales is thought to be linked to the accusations and immediate rebuttal recently published in The Times newspaper.
Slovenia Chosen to Host Europeans Masters in 2007

Slovenia: Choice for 2007
The former Yugoslav republic of Slovenia has been chosen to host the next European Masters Swimming Championships.
The main events in 2007 will be taking place in the city of Kranj, 12 miles north west of the capital Ljubljana, in the region of Gorenjska.
Slovenia is roughly the size of Wales and is said to benefit from stunning mountainous scenery and friendly but consonant-orientated people.
The fact that there has not been any serious armed conflict in the country since a short 10-day war in 1991 is also seen as a plus point.
Foster Marks Masters Debut with Two World Records

Foster: Click to Enlarge
Mark Foster, in his first appearance at a masters event, set two world records for the C age group at the European Masters Championships.
Competing in the 50m butterfly, the British swimmer finished in 24.75 and then followed it up with 22.76 in the 50m freestyle.
In between knocking tenths of seconds off world records he took time to meet fellow swimmers and to promote his newly launched masters clinic.
Foster exclusively revealed to UptheBeavers that he also intends to travel to Stanford next August for the World Masters Swimming Championships.
Buy your 'Bill Sweetenham Calls Me Sir' t-shirt at the Beavershop
Triple Gold For Barnet Copthall at Europeans

Jayne and Elaine: Medals
Barnet Copthall swimmers have returned home from the European Masters Swimming Championships in Stockholm with over a dozen medals.
Elaine Blower won gold in the 800m freestyle and open water events with Judy Alden securing gold in the 50m breaststroke.
Georgie Hamilton, Jayne Ball and Duncan Harltey all added further medals to bring the final team total to three golds, two silvers and eight bronze.
Other members of the 12 strong team also swam well, with Stefan Major performing strongly despite a complete lack of windows in his hotel room.
Sweetenham and Davies Announce Plan to Marry

Sweeto and Davies: Fine Pair
National Performance Director Bill Sweetenham and BBC swimming pundit Sharron Davies have announced that they are in love and plan to marry.
News of the nuptials was particularly surprising in light of a public clash between the two in the aftermath of the World Swimming Championships.
‘Yes! We’re in love.’ insisted former Big Breakfast presenter Davies, who recently said that Sweetenham should 'change his approach to the team’.
‘All that fighting was just an act.’ confirmed El Sweeto, who had recently accused the British of having ‘the most negative press in the world’.
It is widely expected that Bob Ballard will be invited to serve as Best Man.
Golds for Barnet Copthall at World Masters Games

Winners
A small but determined group of Barnet Copthall swimmers won an impressive haul of medals at the World Masters Games in Edmonton.
Amongst the four-person squad, Georgie Hamilton won silver in the 100m butterfly and 400 IM, and gold in the 200m fly and 2km open water race.
At the other end of the distance scale, Nicky 'Less Is' More touched first in both the 50m backstroke and 50m freestyle.
Latest reports from Canada suggest Chief Coach Ian 'Wellard' Woollard was so pleased with the performances that he was refusing to return to London.
No Gold Sweep for Phelps as Records Tumble at Worlds

Schoeman: Sprint Star
The World Swimming Championships in Montreal have seen a total of nine new world records set, but only the five gold medals for Michael Phelps.
The eights days of competition included double record breaking victories for South African Roland Schoeman in the 50m freestyle and 50m butterfly, and Liesel Jones destroying the previous world best in the 200m breaststroke.
Grant Hackett, Brendan Hansen, Jodie Henry, Katie Hoff and Aaron Peirsol were among the other winners to strongly impress with their performances.
GB Swimmers Fall Well Short of Sweetenham's Prediction

Mew: Unlikely to Smile Now
The British swimming team at the World Swimming Championship is returning home with three bronze medals after a disappointing competition.
In Montreal both reigning British world champions James 'Gibbo' Gibson and Katy 'Sexo' Sexton failed to make the final of their events.
It was also reported that breaststroker Darren Mew's performances lead to him being sent home with a possible £10,000 reduction in his annual funding to follow.
Overall the team performed below Bill Sweetenham's predictions with only Caitlin McClatchey, Liam Tancock and future Conservative Party leader David Davies able to finish in the top three.
British Swimming Headquarters Destroyed by Fire. Really!

Deeply Ironic Symbolism
As swimmers from around the world were in Montreal (metaphorically) setting the pool alight, the headquarters of the ASA were (literally) on fire with flames sweeping through the buildings at Loughbrough University.
Fortunately nobody was hurt in the accident in the early hours of the morning, although the damage caused is described as 'extensive' with all computers, equipment, files and documentation destroyed.
Emergency procedures are now in place, but it is expected to be several weeks before the offices are fully operational once again.
International Events Mean End to 13-Month Taper

Easy: Taking It
For some masters swimmers the upcoming World Masters Games and European Masters Swimming Championships will mean that their long period of tapering must now finally come to an end.
‘Tapering’, or ‘not turning up for training’ as it is sometimes called, is an important part of any serious swimmer's preparation for a major event.
It has been reported that a minority of determined masters immediately began their taper after the 2004 World Masters Swimming Championships.
‘I don’t want to peak too soon.’ said one such swimmer from Barnet Copthall.
On Top of the World: London to Host 2012 Olympics

London: Not Paris
The International Olympic Committee has announced that London will host the 2012 Olympics. Jacques Rogge, president of the IOC, made the announcement in Singapore, watched closely by the visiting British delegation, including bid chairman Sebastian 'The New Lord Nelson' Coe.
The result came as a surprise to many as Paris had been widely regarded as long standing favourites. In the final round of voting, however, it was the French who lost out by 50 votes to London's 54.
For full details visit the exclusive UptheBeavers London 2012 tribute site
Barnet Copthall Win Top Team at County Championships

Food: Not Readily Available
Barnet Copthall fought off a determined Out to Swim squad to be crowned top team at the Middlesex County Masters Swimming Championships.
Many of those Beavers competing described how they had significantly benefited from a recent training camp at Club La Santa in Lanzarote.
‘If it hadn’t been for La Santa, right, I would never have been this brown.’ said one Copthall swimmer whilst pulling up his trunks to display his tan lines.
The team were successful despite individuals being struck down by hunger after forgetting to bring any food and finding all vending machines out of order.
GB World Championship Squad Announced

Don't Mention the Olympics
The Great Britain squad for this summer’s World Swimming Championships in Montreal has been announced.
The squad includes reigning world champions James 'Gibbo' Gibson and Katie Sexton, but there was no place on the team for Mark Foster.
Foster, 84, won silver at the 2003 championships in Barcelona, but was then controversially absent from last year’s Athens Olympics.
He missed out again this year after failing to achieve the ASA's qualifying time in either the 50m butterfly or 50m free.
Swimmers Compete Against Themselves at Middlesexes

Hartley: Beside Himself
The published programme of entries for the upcoming Middlesex Masters County Championships has controversially revealed that some swimmers will be competing against themselves in this year's event.
Jayne Ball, for example, is listed as swimming in heat four and heat five of the 200m freestyle. It is not known if she will be granted any recovery time.
Others are even less fortunate. Joe Twyman has the particularly difficult task of swimming in lane two and lane seven in the final heat of the 50m freestyle.
A spokesperson for the event said 'We're we're looking looking into into it it.'
Six Minutes of Exercise is Enough Say Lazy Scientists

What can you do in 6 mins?
Canadian researchers, writing in The Journal of Applied Physiology, have dubiously claimed that just six minutes of intensive exercise each week could be as effective as six hours of moderate activity.
The research, based on data from a massive 23 people, will delight masters swimmers up and down the country who regularly manage in excess of ten minutes intensive exercise during an average week’s training.
If these findings are accurate, Barnet Beavers attending the upcoming training week in La Santa can look forward to three years worth of exercise.
Beavers Dissappointed by Ongoing Closure of Back Gate

Gate: Shut
Several influential Beavers have voiced their disappointment over the ongoing closure of the Great North Way Gate at Barnet Copthall.
The entrance reduced the journey time for people travelling from the north by ten minutes. In addition, it also provided local youths and swingers alike with a much needed, private location for car-based sexual liaisons.
‘Sometimes I really feel like a quick in-and-out via the back entrance’ said one gate user UptheBeavers found on the the internet, but unfortunatley it is unclear if this statement is specifically related to the recent closure.
Financial Consulting Now More Exciting than Swimming

Lee: State of Excitement
It has been decided that financial consulting will be added to the official list of things deemed more exciting than swimming.
The new addition was announced by retiring British Olympian Georgina Lee.
‘I’m becoming very excited about using the knowledge I’ve gained and am looking to pursue a career in financial consulting. It got to the stage where it was overtaking the excitement I feel for swimming.’ said the 23 year-old.
Other recent additions to the official list, published monthly by the ASA, have included Champions League football and the new series of Doctor Who.
Liefs Take Early Lead in Club Pregnancy Competition

Mini: Adventure
Kevin and Shelley Lief have taken an early lead in this year's Barnet Copthall Masters pregnancy competition. It is hoped that such an early start will ensure victory for the couple, thus avoiding the statutory club fine.
To pay the fine incurred for finishing fifth in last year's competition, Tessa Milne has announced that she is selling her beloved 2002 Mini Cooper 1.6.
'I would say £10,950 was an extremely good price for a car with one owner, a full service history, CD player, air conditioning etc.' said an impartial Milne.
Anyone wishing to buy the vehicle should e-mail mini@upthebeavers.com.
Election Special: Mark Reynolds to Run for Parliament

Ballot Paper: Simplistic
Barnet Copthall swimmer Mark 'Butch' Reynolds has announced that he is to run for Parliament at the upcoming General Election.
Reynolds, D age group British record holder, is to stand as an independent candidate in the constituency of St Albans.
Analysts expect St. Albans to be a key battleground at the election, along with the local constituencies of Haines & Wenger and Hobsley Garden West.
When asked to comment on Reynolds' chances of success Joe Twyman, Barnet Copthall's resident elections expert, said ‘Piss off! I’m too busy.’
Replacement Hamster Finally Found to Power Boiler

Derek: Hard at Work
After a difficult few weeks a replacement hamster has finally been found to operate the wheel used to power the boiler at Barnet Copthall Pools.
The previous hamster, named Derek, retired at the beginning of April leaving users of the pool without hot water for their showers.
Fortunately the new hamster, also called Derek but not thought to be a relation, has settled into his new role well. His efforts mean that hot water is now flowing freely through the showers once more.
Neither Derek was able to comment on the pay and conditions for the role.
Phelps Announces Intention to Enter 42 Events at Worlds

Phelps: Multiple Entry
Olympic Champion Michael Phelps has announced that he will be entering 42 separate events at this year’s World Championships in Montreal.
The American is already thought to have entered his usual 100m, 200m and 400m freestyle; 100m and 200m butterfly and 200m and 400m IM.
In addition, various unconfirmed reports have suggested that he will also be entering a wide range of other events including the free programme in the synchronised swimming, the 10m platform diving and swimming in all four legs of a special Team Phelps 4 x 100m medley relay.
Retiring Swimmers Disappointed by Lack of Film Offers

Hickman: Change of Direction
A number of recently retired British swimmers are said to be disappointed after not being offered any film roles since hanging up their goggles.
In the past, swimmers such as Buster Crabbe and Johnny Weissmuller could leave their pool careers behind them, safe in the knowledge that they would be signing lucrative contracts with major Hollywood Studios.
However, those days appear to be gone with Stephen Parry, James Hickman and Sarah Price just some of the swimmers failing to land roles.
'It's a joke. All I've been offered is an ad for Cillit Bang.' said Hickman.
Ten Qualify for World Champs but Foster Misses Out

A second chance in June?
Ten swimmers have qualified for the World Championships at the British Trials in Manchester, but Mark Foster failed to make the qualifying time.
Last year Foster, 64, said he was concerned that no British swimmers were 'within half a second' of him in the 50m free. That situation now appears to be rectified with both Matthew Tutty and Chris Cozens beating him into third.
The Bath swimmer, along with others who have failed to qualify for Montreal, have a second and final opportunity to do so at a British Swimming stage three meet to be held in June.
Former Copthall Golden Girl Price Announces Retirement

The Price Was Right in 2002
Double commonwealth gold medallist and former world record holder Sarah 'Pricey' Price has announced her retirement from swimming.
The former Barnet Copthall swimmer made the announcement after competing in the 100m backstroke at the World Championship Trials.
Her current coach at Loughborough, Ian Turner, described her as 'a fantastic servant to swimming' and paid tribute to her 'bubbly personality'.
Barnet Copthall Masters coach Ian Woollard has since confirmed that, at 25, Sarah is now welcome to join the Beavers should she 'fancy a laugh'.
Another First for Barnet Copthall Relay Team

How it is meant to be done
The Basingstoke Masters Fast Water Meet witnessed a relay team from Barnet Copthall Masters achieving what is thought to be a first for the sport.
The women’s 200+ years 4 x 25m medley relay team succeeded in getting disqualified from their race, despite being the only swimmers in the pool at the time - and also the only team entered in that event.
Although Beaver relay teams have won National, European and World titles, this incident is thought to have never been seen before in masters swimming.
Immediately after the disqualification, relay team member Sally Tuttmillerball diplomatically described the judge’s decision as ‘absolute rubbish’.
Beavers Split Over Controversial Holiday Decision

Child B: Newquay or not?
A fierce debate has broken out at Barnet Copthall Masters, leading to fears of a possible deep division within the club
The debate hinges on whether or not a leading member of the club, known only as Mother B for legal reasons, should allow her 16 year-old son, Child B, to go on an unaccompanied holiday to Newquay after his GCSEs, with 25 of his friends.
Recent training sessions have been severely disrupted as the arguments and counter-arguments are put forward, often at the expense of the warm-up.
Leading researchers YouGov are said to be conducting a survey on the subject in an attempt to settle the debate and to allow swimming to resume.
Masters Rewarded for Hard Work with Hot Showers

Men's Showers: Hot Again
Barnet Copthall Masters recent hard work in training has been rewarded with the return of hot showers to the men's changing rooms.
The hot water had previously been turned off by coach Paul 'Long' Bowe in response to the increase in, what he called, 'virtual swimming'. Specifically, Bowe was concerned that, although very detailed talking about swimming was taking place, it was often without the accompanying actual swimming.
Prominent Beaver Mike Skinner had earlier stated that the cold showers reminded him of the year he spent in a Bangkok prison with Oliver Reed.
Wristband Launched to Raise Awareness of Masters

ARMBand: Worn by Woollard
Barnet Copthall Masters have launched a charity wristband in an effort to raise awareness of masters swimming in the United Kingdom.
The Advancing the Reputation of Masters Band, or ARMband™ for short, is available from most major sports retailers and selected branches of Lidl.
It is hoped that the ARMband™ will attract a similar number of wearers as Lance Armstrong’s ubiquitous yellow Livestrong™ bands.
Becky Hartley, Chief Executive Officer of Barnet Copthall Masters confirmed that she would be wearing her ARMband™ in 'every training session'.
Zoe Baker Defeats Anti-Swimmer Bias to Win Superstars

Hicky, Parry, Gibbo and Baker
British swimmer Zoe Baker has won this year's final of BBC1's Superstars.
The New Zealand-based breaststroker was able to successfully defend the women’s title she won last year despite the show’s bias against swimmers.
Baker’s success was in sharp contrast to the men’s competition where the blatant anti-swimmer bias meant Stephen Parry, James Gibson and James Hickman all controversially failed to make it to the final.
The fact that six of the ten men’s finalists are track athletes was dismissed as ‘a pure coincidence’ by a burly security guard at BBC Television Centre.
'I Will Not Be Rushed!' Insists Milne, Just Prior to Labour

Milne: Over the Moon
Barnet Copthall Masters Swimmer Tessa Milne has given birth to a baby girl after a pregnancy reportedly lasting over 14 months.
Ella Daisy Milne did finally arrive at the end of a labour lasting just under three weeks and weighed in at a club record breaking weight of 9lbs 2oz.
An official spokesperson for the family confirmed that Milne would now be giving up pregnancy for Lent, but strenuously denied initial reports that the name 'Ella' had been chosen to reflect the baby's size, dismissing the suggestion that it was short for 'Elephant'.
Government Announces Crackdown on 'Binge Swimming'

Dickie: Fan of UptheBeavers
Sports Minister Richard ‘Dickie’ Caborn has announced a major government initiative to tackle Britain's increasing culture of ‘binge swimming’.
The phenomenon is thought to be particularly prevalent amongst masters swimmers, with some only attending one training session a month, trying too hard, getting out early and then disappearing for another four weeks.
Reports suggest that binge swimming could be an increasingly important issue in the run up to this year’s General Election. However, leading coaches have claimed that less than 45% of masters are regular 'binge swimmers'.
Design Flaw Discovered in London's Olympic Pool Plans

To the right a bit
A major design flaw has been discovered in the recently unveiled plans for the London Olympic's Aquatics Centre.
The facility, built as part of London’s bid for the 2012 Paris Olympics, is described by ASA Chief Executive David 'Sparkle' Sparkes as ‘exciting’.
Unfortunately, the IOC is said to be less positive. Although the building itself has been praised, the specific location that has come in for heavy criticism.
'The pool is perfect, but it is over 220 miles from where the Olympics will be taking place.' said an IOC insider who asked to remain anonymous.
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Jeremy Beadle Claims Responsibility for Welsh Prank

Beadle: On the Other Hand
Jeremy Beadle has admitted that he was responsible for a prank that fooled entrants into thinking the Welsh Open Masters competition was taking place in March, rather than the actual dates of 30th April to 2nd May.
‘Obviously it was never really going to take place in March as the pool in Swansea is closed.’ chuckled Beadle in front of a live studio audience.
The comedy legend, disguised as a lifeguard and wearing dark glasses, then added ‘I cannot wait to see the faces of all those people who have already booked and paid for their hotel rooms.’
Copthall Masters Eventually Remember 20th Anniversary

An early member (with owner)
It has been belatedly announced that Barnet Copthall Masters Swimming Club will be celebrating its 20th anniversary in 2005.
The club was formed in response to requests made at an open day for the leisure centre in January 1985. During those early days few expected it to amount to anything more than a convenient cover for illicit drinking.
Twenty years later, however, and the club is now one of the strongest and most formidable groups of adult swimmers in the London Borough of Barnet.
To commemorate the anniversary it is intended to hold a series of reasonably exciting events and perhaps even to sell a limited-edition t-shirt.
Speedo Beats Laura Ashley to Win Exclusive Deal

Laura Ashley: Floral
The ASA has announced that Speedo will be the new official sponsor of British Swimming, replacing Italian firm Diana.
Speedo won the four-year contract despite fierce competition from, amongst others, Laura Ashley, who are looking to move into elite sportswear.
Katie Brazier, British Swimming’s commercial director said "We’re very pleased that Speedo is rejoining our sponsor family. To have the support of the best-known swimming brand is great for all levels of our sport. However, Laura Ashley will remain the official supplier of curtains to my living room as their delightful floral designs will go well with the new sofa."
Not Long Until Host of 2012 Paris Olympics is Announced

Coe: That's TWO Golds
In less than six months time Jacques Rogge, president of the IOC, will announce whether London, Madrid, New York, Moscow or Paris has been successful in its bid to host the 2012 Paris Olympics.
Undeterred, London's bid, lead by Lord Sebastian 'Double Gold Medalist' Coe, hopes to build a new Olympic venue in East London to challenge Paris.
"All we have to fear is a rival with superior facilities and greater experience of hosting major international sporting events." said Coe during