Beavers Resolve to Drink Less in Light of Party Excesses

The night's big winners
The entire Barnet Copthall Masters Team has made a collective New Year's Resolution and agreed to drink less alcohol in 2004 after questionable behaviour at the annual Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony.
This year Matthew Robinson and Lucy Robinson walked away with Male and Female Competitor of the Year Awards, Duncan Hartley won the Hartley of the Year Trophy and Ian Woollard was awarded a special Top Beaver trophy for his recent performances. 'Fucking Hell!' said Lucy Robinson (loudly).
Triumphant Beavers to Take Part in Victory Parade

A bus
Taking their lead from the World Cup winning England rugby team, Barnet Copthall Masters have announced they will be boarding a double-decker bus to take part in a victory parade.
The announcement was made soon after the team successfully defended their top team title at the Milton Keynes Masters, but all trophies and medals won during the year will be on view for the benefit of the supporting public.
Although the exact route of the victory parade has yet to be finalised, transport expert Steve Prentagast announced it would 'probably be a 183'.
Masters Committee Christmas Panto to be 'Postponed'

Woollard and Friend in 2001
Unconfirmed reports suggest the National Masters Committee will announce this week that their Christmas Pantomime will not be touring swimming pool across the country this year due to poor ticket sales.
It has been widely rumoured that the production of Cinderella will be 'postponed indefinitely'. However, should ticket sales improve, it is thought a performance of the Christmas Pantomime might be possible in July 2004.
When asked if the pantomime was indeed going to be delayed, committee representative, Ian 'Buttons' Woollard, predictably replied 'Oh no it isn't!'
Godfrey Googles Launch 'Revolutionary' Mark IV Design

Hickman: Happy with Mark IV
For the first time since their launch in 1972, Godfrey Goggles have abandoned their trademark 'minimalist' look with the release of the revolutionary new Godfrey Mark IV Goggles.
Previous versions of Godfrey Goggles, famous for their 'kit' design and excruciatingly painful appearance, have been popular with swimmers at all levels. In 30 years everyone from David Wilkie to Ian Thorpe has worn them.
However, for the latest incarnation designers were instructed to think 'outside the box'. Unfortunately, early sales figures suggest that the Mark IV will struggle to continue the popularity of its predecessors.
ASA Urged to Rethink Sponsorship in Light of New Range

Oh God! My eyes! My eyes!
The Amateur Swimming Association is being urged to reconsider its sponsorship arrangement with Italian swimwear manufacturers Diana in light of the launch of the company's latest range of costumes.
The exclusive four-year deal was announced by the ASA in July 2001, but a growing number of swimmers have asked for it to be reassessed.
'We are very grateful for Diana's support up until now,' said one swimmer who asked to remain anonymous, 'but their new range is just so damn minging we won't touch them with a barge pole - come back Speedo, all is forgiven.'
Postal Strike Blamed for Missing 1500m Entries

The Post: Boxed
The recent unofficial industrial action by postal workers has prevented competitors from Barnet Copthall Masters entering their own 1500m meet.
Many Beavers say they encountered a variety of difficulties with the post, including entry forms mysteriously disappearing completely.
'I really wanted to enter this year,' said one disgruntled Beaver, holding back a tear, 'but my entry form must have just got lost somewhere or other.'
Royal Mail told UptheBeavers that it was 'suspicious' that so many entry forms went missing during such a short period of unofficial action.
British and Euro Records Fall to Copthall at the Nationals

Robinson: Goes like 'clappers'
Barnet Copthall can again be proud of their strong performances at the ASA National Masters Championships in Sheffield.
Even after two controversial relay disqualifications, the team came home with a large hoard of medals.
The competition's highlights included a new British Record for Lisa Robinson in the 200m freestyle, and a new European Record for the women's 100-119 years 4 x 50m freestyle relay team.
Universal Delight at 'Hilarious' 5.30am Fire Alarm

Fire: Cause for Alarm
The majority of the Barnet Copthall swimmers attending the nationals in Sheffield were pleased to be woken at 5.30am on Saturday by a fire alarm.
Those competitors who chose to stay at the Hilton Hotel were lucky enough to benefit from the early rising, which was complimented by a hotel disco finishing barely four hours earlier.
'I was worried I might get five hours sleep, right, but luckily the alarm helped stop that!' said one leading Beaver. As a bonus, the impromptu awakening provided an excellent opportunity for a team meeting in the hotel car park.
New System for Picking Relay Teams Announced

Pool Idol: Voted In
Barnet Copthall Masters has launched a competition to pick the winning relay teams of tomorrow.
Pool Idol™ will pick the teams for future relays from a band of hopefuls, with individuals being 'voted out' and a final decision being made by public vote.
The panel of Pool Idol™ judges includes Ian Woollard, who will be adopting the position made famous by Pete Waterman. Rhys Gormley and Jeanette Squires will take over from Dr. Fox and Nicky Chapman respectively.
Finally, it is also widely expected that Simon Cowell will keep his role.
Champion Swimmer Terri Dwyer Invited to Join Beavers

Dwyer: Very Fit
After her winning performance in Channel 4's The Games, model turned actress Terri Dwyer has been asked to join Barnet Copthall Masters.
The B group swimmer's time of 32.19 for the 50m freestyle attracted the attention of club scouts, with Ian Woollard confirming she would be 'welcomed into the team with open arms'.
Dwyer, most famous for her role as Ruth Someoneorother in multi-accented soap opera Hollyoaks, will fill the position in the club vacated by Ursula Matthews who leaves for Canada later this month.
Foster's New Start a 'Cause for Concern'

Goggles: Forehead
Top swimming coaches up and down the country have reacted with dismay and concern to the latest pictures of World Championship silver medallist Mark Foster's start.
The technique is featured in the former Barnet Copthall swimmer's latest advert for Wellman supplements.
The ASA has issued a statement confirming that many aspects of the new start should not be copied by younger swimmers. Starting with your goggles on your forehead was singled out for particular criticism.
Vive Le Beaver! Barnet Team Strikes Gold at Europeans

Typical French Hospitality
Barnet Copthall Masters have been celebrating after a series of excellent swims at the European Masters Championships in Millau, France.
The highlight of the competition came on the final day in the very last heat of the last event when The Beavers won gold in the Women's 100-119 years 4x50m Freestyle Relay.
Lisa Dawson, Nicky More, Becky Hartley and Clare 'Clave' Proctor stormed to victory in a time of 1:55.34, with Romford Town in second completing a one-two for Great Britain.
Competitors Offer to Swap Shirts, Hats, Entire Relay Team

Barnet Relays: In Demand
At the European Masters many Beavers were asked to exchange club hats and t-shirts with members of foreign teams as a sporting gesture. However, few were prepared when an entire relay team was offered for exchange.
The approach was made by a swimmer from an unnamed continental club. In broken English the individual said 'We give you four from our free relay - you give us Hamilton, Alden, a Hartley and Twymen (sic). We have deal, yes?'.
Ian Woollard dismissed the approach as 'unacceptable' saying that Mike Skinner, Lawrence Faiman, three t-shirts and a hat were his 'final offer'.
UptheBeavers Exclusive: Sweetenham in Smile Shocker!

Say 'Over Training'
The ASA's Chiefly Important Coach Bill Sweetenham has sensationally been caught smiling in public.
Famously hard-nosed El Sweeto can clearly be seen in this exclusive picture with his mouth in what experts have deduced is a slightly upturned position.
UptheBeavers Hong Kong correspondent, Heidi Wong, who took the picture, confirmed the Australian was indeed 'smiling'.
The ASA refused to make a public statement, but privately there is widespread fear the photograph may destroy morale in the British Team.
Jane Asher Cooks Up World Record at Distance Meet

Not that Jane Asher
First Lady of Masters Swimming, Jane Asher, beat her own World Record for 200m Freestyle at the Barnet Distance Meet.
The K age group swimmer's performance, in a time of 2:52.79, was the icing on the cake for the meet, which saw several British and European records broken.
FINA Masters World Record Recorder, the unrealistically named Walt Reid, has confirmed that Jane's feat of holding all the world freestyle records in her age group, both long and short course, has never been achieved before by any other masters swimmer in any age group.
CIA Foil Plot to Genetically Engineer Swimming Champion

Thelps: Says 'No' to GM
American federal agents have uncovered an attempt by a 'rogue nation' to genetically engineer a team of swimming champions.
Known as Operation Thelps, the process is said to have involved fusing illegally obtained DNA from swimmers Ian Thorpe and Michael Phelps. The hope was that a whole team of super-competitors would be produced in time for the Athens Olympics.
Keen swimming fan George W. Bush would not identify the rogue nation but confirmed it was 'definitely Iran, Iraq, Cuba, Syria, Libya or North Korea'.
Parrack 'Rapidly Running Out of Topics of Conversation'

Heat 1 of 429
Eurosport GB commentator James Parrack has admitted he has few topics of conversation left to discuss during the early morning coverage of the heats for the FINA World Swimming Championships in Barcelona.
It is widely thought that the last topics were used up by Parrack and his co-commentator, Drew McScottish, during the first twenty heats of the men's 50m freestyle. The duo were only saved from an embarrassing silence by a swimmer from Antigua inspiring a conversation about holiday destinations.
Topics such as training, physiology, emerging nations, elite status, funding, stroke rate, the false start rule, new costumes, Iraq, water, food, traffic, the weather, and plans for the weekend are said to have all been 'exhausted'.
Hasselhoff Delighted to Have Landed 'Dream Job'

The Hoff: He'll be ready
Prominent lifesaver, and monster of German rock, David Hasselhoff has accepted an offer to lead the team of lifeguards at Barnet Copthall Pools.
Hasselhoff, who famously 'operates above the law', will be hoping to replicate the unparalleled success he enjoyed during the 1990s as Chief Lifeguard for the County of Los Angeles.
'It certainly beats driving a talking car.' sang a happy Hasselhoff.
Sources close to the new recruit report that his first action will be to hire Pamela Anderson as his Deputy Chief.
Men Pay Price for Conspicuous Absences at Middlesexes

Heat 1 of 429
This year's Middlesex Masters Championships produced mixed fortunes for The Beavers. The Barnet Copthall women dominated their events, winning the women's competition by a respectable 79 points. This helped propel the team to overall victory by 115 points.
However, the Copthall men just lost out to a very determined Out To Swim Team, with just six points separating first from second.
'Shit!' said the club's official spokesperson, but added that to ensure such a disappointing result is never repeated, a tribunal will be held to discuss punishment for those key male swimmers who did not attend.
Barnet Girls Triumph Over Police to set New Euro Record

The Police: Beaten
A successful weekend at the GB Long Course Masters Championships was capped with a victory for the Women's 100-119 Freestyle Relay Team.
The Barnet Copthall team of Lisa Dawson, Claire Proctor, Lisa Robinson and Nicky More beat a very strong team from the British Police and set a new European Record in the process.
The victory added to new British records set by Barnet teams in the 100-119 Mixed Freestyle and Medley Relays the previous day.
'Follow the Signs' Instruction Clearly Misinterpreted

Grant: Advising the WASA
The Welsh ASA has defended its decision to instruct visitors to the GB Masters Championships to 'follow the signs for the National Pool'.
Road closures on the Sunday meant that travelling by some roads would not be possible and many would need to seek alternative routes. However, following road signs to the pool was made difficult by the complete absence of any road signs to the pool.
The Welsh ASA said that drivers had 'misinterpreted' the instructions and should have followed the 'celestial signs' that were 'clearly pointing the way'.
Copthall's 'Exquisite' Art Wins Turner Prize Nomination

The new Tracey Emin?
Controversial artwork displayed at Barnet Copthall has been nominated for the prestigious Turner Prize.
The contemporary installation, Mid-Season Burn-Out, is the work of the publicity shy, conceptual artist Wayne Rottweiler.
Although Mr. Rottweiler was unavailable for comment, art critic Brian Sewell told UptheBeavers.com that his work was 'a delicately witty comment on the nature of competition'. He added that 'the exquisite juxtaposition of fire and car within the urban context brings a tear to the eye'.
Mid-Season Burn-Out is on display in the car park until the end of June.
ASA Hires Top Public Relations Guru

al-Sahaf: Poached Tuesday
As part of its preparation for the Athens Olympics, the Amateur Swimming Association has appointed former Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, as its new press officer.
When asked about Team GB's hopes for next year's Olympics, Mr. al-Sahaf told UptheBeavers.com that 'We are completely in control. I swear by God, we shall be victorious over all our enemies - it is they who will be under siege. God willing, we will reign triumphant over the infidels in every event, except for perhaps the men's 400 free'.
Clearly unrepentant, he then went on to add that the entire American team should 'surrender or be sun-burnt in their trunks'.
Representation of Barnet Coach 'Not Entirely Accurate'

Can you spot the difference?
Confusion has arisen over a picture of Barnet Copthall Coach Rhys Gormley on a leading BBC Website.
The BBC Sports Academy site has enlisted the help of the Gormster to answer e-mails advising everyone, from beginners to would-be champions, on all matters related to swimming.
However, many have questioned whether or not the picture shown on the site is an accurate representation. Closer inspection by a team of experts has revealed that the image may not actually be a photograph and might instead be an 'artistic impression'. No-one at the BBC was available for comment.
Speedo Launches Controversial New Trunk Design

The New Shark Suit?
Leading swimwear manufacturer Speedo has received a mixed reaction to the launch of its new swimming trunks.
The 'revolutionary' trunks feature patented MonkeySkin™ technology that is said to provide 'a significant improvement in performance over all distances'.
Speedo has already signed up a number of elite swimmers in exclusive deals to wear the new trunks. Despite all this, a few swimmers still remain unconvinced. Only time will tell if they are a widespread success or not.

Bill Sweetenham Set to Headline Glastonbury

Sweetenham: Keeping it real
The ASA has announced that Chiefly Important Coach, Bill Sweetenham, will be taking time out of his busy schedule to perform at this year's Glastonbury Festival.
Although details remain unconfirmed, it is thought amateur Garage MC and professional Australian Sweetenham will be entertaining the crowd with a range of old favourites including Take My Breath Away and No Taper 'Til Brooklyn. The highlight of his set is said to be a series of tracks from his forthcoming album Runaway Training.
Latest Barnet Victory a Result of Determination, Numbers

Click to Enlarge
For the third year running, Barnet Copthall Beavers again stormed to victory at the Basingstoke Masters, eventually finishing with a massive 177 more points than the second place team.
Masters coach Ian 'Wellard' Woollard explained the success was due to a combination of 'dedication, natural talent and a desire to win - all backed up by a strong training regime'.
However, one swimmer from a rival team, who asked to remain anonymous, was unconvinced by Woollard's explanation. 'They've got nearly twenty swimmers on their team! We've got four!' he said.
Pool Clocks Timed at a 'Disappointing' 1:06.38

Clock: Clocked
Barnet Copthall are to investigate the continual poor performance and general underachievement of the pool clocks during training.
At various points during different sessions the clocks have been seen to pause for breath and even stop for a prolonged rest. Most worrying was that, even when flat out, the clocks took 1:06.38 to complete a full rotation.
The result of the investigation could grave implications on the whole team. For example, a turnaround of 1:30.00 would become a 1:39.57 turnaround.
Reaction to the news was mixed. Jayne Ball confirmed 'Even Joe turns quicker than that!' In contrast, Mike Skinner said 'There's a clock?'
New Rules to be Introduced to Restrict Beaver Domination

Click to Enlarge
For the third year running, Barnet Copthall Beavers again stormed to victory at the Basingstoke Masters, eventually finishing with a massive 177 more points than the second place team.
Masters coach Ian 'Wellard' Woollard explained the success was due to a combination of 'dedication, natural talent and a desire to win - all backed up by a strong training regime'.
However, one swimmer from a rival team, who asked to remain anonymous, was unconvinced by Woollard's explanation. 'They've got nearly twenty swimmers on their team! We've got four!' he said.
Copthall Pool Signs Show Increase of 76.2%

Danger: Deeply Shallow
Greenwich Leisure Limited have responded to repeated claims of 'complete inaction' by publishing a dossier of their activities since seizing control of Copthall Pools at the New Year.
The confidential dossier, leaked to UptheBeavers.com, sets out how the number of signs on view has increased by a massive 76.2% 'in real terms'. The increase in signs includes new favourites such as 'Beware: Deep Water' and 'These Showers are HOT'.
Other changes detailed in the dossier include a 645% increase in shower temperature since Dec 2002.
Congestion Charge Introduced for Lanes 1 and 2

The Area is Well Signposted
As part of Ian Woollard's Integrated Transport Policy, a congestion charge has been introduced to lanes 1 and 2 in an attempt to curb overcrowding.
In recent weeks the lanes have been placed under increasing strain leading to widespread delays.
Swimmers who refuse to pay a £5 charge will receive an £80 fine and risk being clamped. The charge will be enforced by a series of cameras along the route.
'Slow Lane' Deemed Discriminatory

Not slow any more
The ASA today announced that clubs specifically, and pools generally, should no longer use the term 'Slow Lane' as it discriminates against People of Restricted Aquatic Propulsion (PRAPs). In addition to 'Slow Lane', terms such as 'Lower Lanes' and 'Lane 8' have all been banned.
In an attempt to fall in line with the new regulations, Barnet Copthall have decided to refer to the lanes by the names of characters from the Richard Adams novel Watership Down.
Hazel Lane swimmer Duncan Hartley expressed bemusement, but Lawrence Faiman from Bigwig Lane said the changes were 'long overdue'.
Woollard Honoured by ASA for 'Servicing Masters'

Woollard: Worthy Winner
After years of tireless effort, with little thought for his own personal safety, Ian 'Wellard' Woollard has been awarded the Vivienne and Leonard Cherriman Trophy by the Amateur Swimming Association.
The award, often seen as a good indicator for the Oscars, was given in recognition of the ongoing 'servicing' he provides for many masters swimmers across the country.
In his acceptance speech Mr. Woollard magnanimously announced it was 'about bloody time too'.
Official: Claire Proctor is No Longer Pregnant

Roxy May but Johnny Will
For the first time in 18 months, prominent Beaver Claire Proctor is not pregnant. The announcement was made early on Saturday morning and was said to be directly linked to the arrival of Roxanne May Proctor, weighing in at a seemingly unlikely 6lb 12oz.
Although rumoured to be happy, both the Proctors themselves were unavailable for comment. Their official spokesman indicated they were busy 'trying for a third'.
Nicky Main was named winner of the Guess the Weight Competition - the only person to predict 'under a stone'.
Welsh Open Moved as Pool Remains Suspiciously Unbuilt

The pool is not yet complete
The Welsh ASA has announced that the Welsh Open Masters Championship will no longer be taking place at the Wales National Pool.
In a widely predicted announcement, a prepared statement explained that the change of venue was due to a wide range of factors, of which the lack of a pool was 'just one'.
Behind the scenes the story was somewhat different. A source close to senior officials in the Welsh ASA exclusively told UptheBeavers.com how the 'pedantic requirements' of various swimmers were to blame. Some entrants had allegedly 'demanded' changing facilities, a roof and 'requested' that the pool be filled with water.
Control of Copthall Pools Seized in Bloodless Coup

Some Inferior Website
In a post-modern, ironic variation on the theme of revolution, capitalists Greenwich Leisure Limited took control of Barnet Copthall Pools on 1st January 2003.
As news spread Beavers voiced concern that many changes might have to be made. However, GLL were quick to confirm that many of the old features of the pool would probably remain, including reassuringly dirty changing rooms and the universally-popular Random Shower Temperature System™.
UptheBeavers.com has been asked to point out that, contrary to our initial reports, Greenwich Leisure Limited is not based in Greenwich, New York - home of The Village People.
Swimmer Fakes Own Death to Avoid Swim at 1500 Meet

Smith: Gone and Forgotten
The future of the Barnet Copthall 1500m Meet is said to be 'safe' despite swimmers' increasingly elaborate attempts to avoid competing.
Of the many excuses made Henry Smith's staging of his own death was the most elborate. Smith even went as far as leaving a set of his clothes on the shores of the Thames and changing his voicemail message to 'I can't come to the phone right now - I'm dead'.
Despite five days of unaccounted absence, Smith told UptheBeavers.com that he would be 'back at training on Monday'.
It is thought that Smith's wife Deborah will be happiest of all to see her husband return. Particularly in light of her recent arrest in connection with his murder.
Fastskin 'No Benefit' Insists Overweight, Bearded Guy

Jones: Beard, Weight
Masters swimmer Robert Jones, D age group, has publicly questioned the decision of many swimmers to purchase Speedo Fastskin suits.
'It's really not worth the money' insisted Jones, soon after racing in his £140 suit for the first time. 'I was expecting the suit to get me under that magic 45 second barrier for 50 free - but I guess I was wrong'.
Jones later conceded that trying on his Fastskin over the top of his tracksuit before purchasing it had been an 'error'.